The REAL Exorcism...#2 of my spooky stories series

William Peter Blatty's 1971 novel The Exorcist and the Warner Brother's film from 1973 have etched the term "exorcism" forever within our everyday vocabulary. For most of us, images of a demented Linda Blair spitting pea soup, her head spinning around, and all kinds of spooky scary stuff.

The novel was based on eye witness testimony and a 26 page diary (once thought to be 16 pages). Eye witness testimony includes first hand accounts from Jesuit priests, various professors, family members, friends, hospital workers, and even construction workers.

What exactly happened? What is Blatty's novel based on? And how is this true story linked to St. Louis?

Here are the facts that have been confirmed by various investigators, and many details have been clarified and corrected:

>The family involved remains anonymous, so we'll call them the Doe Family and the boy that was allegedly possessed we'll refer to him as Rob Doe. The Doe Family was from Cottage City Maryland, not Mt. Rainer, Maryland as previously believed.

>January1949, strange things began to happen to 13 year-old Rob. He was being scratched and attacked by something unseen. His parents witnessed his blankets flying about on their own, the bed shaking violently.

>Februrary 26, 1949...The Does were Lutheran, so they turned to Rev. Schulze. Rob spent the night in Shulze's room. There, Schulze witnessed paranormal phenomena, such as a rug moving by itself across the room. After taking Rob to the Mental Hygiene Clinic of the University of Maryland, Rev. Schulze recommended the Doe Family consult Father Hughes of St. James Catholic Church in Mount Rainer.

>End of February, 1949...blessed candles would fly across the room, tables moved, and an attempted baptism went wrong. Rob would curse and act violently. They moved him to Georgetown hospital where Father Hughes began an unsuccessful rite of exorcism...it's unclear if it was authorized by the Church.

>Early March...Rob is released from the hospital, and Mrs. Doe decides to go back to her hometown of St. Louis, Missouri. She thought maybe the "hauntings" would stop. As soon as they arrive, family members witness various supernatural occurances surrounding Rob.

>March 9, 1949...One of Mrs. Doe's cousins requests the help of her priest professor at St. Louis University, Father Raymond J. Bishop. He sees the scratches on Rob's body, floating objects, and the mattress vibrating on its own.

>March 11, 1949...Father Bishop calls in Father William Bowdern of of St. Francis Xavier Church (at the corner of Grand and Lindell here in St. Louis, pictured left; Fr. Bowdern is pictured right). These two priests and a Jesuit scholar, Walter Halloran, witness the scratches on Rob's abdomen, the bed shaking, Rob speaking to them in Latin and possibly Aramaic, and the 13 year-old boy's violent and strange behavior.

>March 16, 1949...Archbishop Joseph E. Ritter gives Father Bowdern permission to begin the formal rite of exorcism. That night, accompanied by Father Bishop and Walter Halloran, Father Bowdern begin reciting the ritual prayers of exorcism.

>March through April, 1949...Rob's "seizures" become more violent and often is held down by as many as ten people during the exorcism or prayer sessions. He would tear the sheets and even broke Halloran's nose. During this time, Rob is taken back and forth between his relative's house and Alexian Brother's Hospital. Numerous priests, students, and hospital workers witnessed many of the supernatural occurrences in his hospital room .

It was a stressful and scary time. Father Bowdern was known to have lost 40 pounds during the ordeal.

>April 18, 1949...The Final Exorcism...Fr. Bowdern places various religious medals around Rob, and instructs him to hold a crucifix. Rob starts to become possessed, and screams that the medals were becoming hot...soon, he is in full demonic possession and starts hissing and flicking his tongue like a snake.

The rite continues when suddenly, in a different masculine voice Rob says, "Satan! Satan! I am St. Michael! I command you, Satan, and the other evil spirits to leave this body, in the name of Dominus, immediately! Now! Now! Now!" Rob has one last spasm before falling quiet and witnesses reported hearing a "gunshot sound" throughout the hospital at that moment.

Rob told the priests of a vision that he had of St. Michael holding a flaming sword, and that the demon was gone.

Twelve days later he left Missouri and returned to Maryland.

The story made headlines, and several family members told the story to newsreporters. Rob grew up, had a normal life, had three children, and resided somewhere in Maryland. Rob, if still alive, would be 70 years old today.

Walter Halloran (pictured left) became a priest and often talked about his experience with others. He passed away just this spring.

Fr. Bowdern passed away in 1983. He never publicly talked about his experience. With his report to the Church, he received 41 signatures from those who testified to witnessing paranormal phenomena with this case.

Following the exorcism, the hospital staff at Alexia avoided the room. The smells and cold air still emanated from under the doorway. No one ever used the room again. The entire wing of the hospital eventually was sealed off, and was demolished.
Before demolition, the crew found a copy of the exorcist's diary, which was given to hospital administrators. The diary was William Blatty's basis his book.


Whatever you decide, you cannot deny our fascination with demonic possession.

The Phoenix Thanks You

This morning, my little two month-old blog had its 5,000th hit. Thanks so much for those you come here regularly for a chuckle and to those that just stop by out of curiosity. I enjoy writing, and I hope to continue to inform and entertain.

Tame The Wild Hurricane

With the recent devastation of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, the question has popped up again...Do we have the technology to stop a hurricane?

Scientists have been trying to devise a method of doing just that for the last 50 years, with mostly negative results. So can we stop Mother Nature's wrath? Nope.

Here are the very ingenious attempts or theories of trying to halt a hurricane:

In 1958, The Naval Research Lab tried several experiments that involved seeding storm clouds with soot. The thought here was to "seed" the clouds inside a hurricane in an effort to break up it's structure. Honk, thanks for playing.

In 1973, Hurricane expert William Gray said that maybe you could trigger smaller storms with soot. I'm guessing that these storms would suck all the atmospheric energy and deprive a tropical storm of hurricane energy. Nothing ever came of that theory. Enough with the soot! Maybe kitty litter would work, though...hmm.

Another idea was maybe coating the surface of the ocean with olive oil. The oil would disrupt the energy flow of an incoming hurricane. MIT scientists believe the high winds of a hurricane would pretty much make the oil ineffective - it would just blow the oil all away. But it would prepare the fish for a tasty yet healthy meal.

Just this past spring, Moshe Alamaro of MIT came up with a technique of using a bunch of floating jet engines to create mini-cyclones in the water ahead of an approaching hurricane. This would also deplete the energy in the atmosphere. But alas, critics said that using an array of jet engines wouldn't be enough to even create the smallest of cyclones. Oh well.

In Jacksonville, FL, some crackpot thought that the use of a small nuclear weapon could disrupt a hurricane. Yeah, that's a great idea. Now you could create a radioactive hurricane. Or better yet, kill a bunch of people and marine animals. Who was this person? The Beavis and Butthead of science and meteorology?

So is science hopeless in the battle to tame hurricanes? Not entirely.

Nothing like good 'ol Capitalism to get the creative juices flowing...A company called Dyn-O-Mat might have a solution. Peter Cordani, CEO of the company, believes their invention could work. Dyn-O-Mat manufactures a super absorbent material mostly used for industrial clean up and safety.

The idea here is to load up a large cargo plane with this Dyn-O-Mat stuff, fly towards the storm, release the absorbent material, and thus sucking the moisture from the hurricane and greatly weakening it. Cordani claims to have eradicated a thunderstorm off Palm Beach.

A thunderstorm is one thing, but a hurricane is another.

Still, I think it's worth a shot. Even if it doesn't work, the super absorbent stuff would work well cleaning up barf in the elementary schools.

I don't think the other suggestions given to the International Hurricane Center at Flordia International University are going to be very effective. The other ideas include: towing an iceberg to cool the water temperature, building massive fans to blow the hurricane away (and send it to South America?), and pray hurricanes away.

How absurd!

Actually, if I saw one of these coming towards me, I would do a whole lotta praying.

Attack of the Earworms!

The term "earworm" was coined by consumer psychologist James Kellaris. An earworm is a phenomena that plagues most people - when a tune gets stuck in your head. Maybe it's the song that comes blaring out of your clock radio in the morning...or perhaps it's the last song you hear on the way to the office. It's as if the song burns into your brain, playing literally all day long.

Why does this happen?

Psychologists believe these catchy songs create this "cognitive itch" that the act of replaying the song over and over again is the only way to scratch it. It's the brain's way of closing a gap within lyrics, melody, and rhythm. For example, if I were to sing "Row, row, row your boat..." and stop, your brain would complete the song - obviously only if you were familiar with the song. The auditory cortex part of your brain would still be firing away, playing the rest of the tune in your head.

Is there a cure? You gotta help me...my brain keeps singing that stupid Barney theme song: "I love you, you love me...we're happy family..."

There's no real way to figure out what song will become an earworm. There are a few patterns researches have found concerning potential earworms, however:

>The tune is simple (simple lyrics, melody, rhyme)
>The tune is repetitive
>Songs with lyrics, for most people...although more musical people can get hooked on melody and scale
>Women seem to get more irritated and frustrated by earworms
>Neurotic people seem to be more susceptible
>People constantly exposed to music have more bouts of earworm attacks

So what's a person to do? Dr. Kellaris recommends the following:

>Listen to the radio (simple replacement)
>Distract yourself with another activity
>Sing the REST of the song, not just the part your brain is replaying over and over again. Your brain is trying to close the loop, so CLOSE it yourself...go find the lyrics if you have to
>Chew cinnamon sticks - not sure if it works, but one test subject swore by it

Another test subject reported having a case of earworm for over 6 months. I think I'd jump off a bridge.

Here are some songs I would think would be common earworms:

It's a Small World After All
This is the Song That Never Ends...
Mmm Bop
Meow Mix Jingle (meow meow meow meow)
YMCA
Oompa Loompa doopidity doo
Chili's Jingle (I want my baby back, baby back, baby back...ribs)
I'm a Little Tea Pot
Who Let the Dogs Out
Don't Worry, Be Happy
The Lion Sleeps Tonight
We Will Rock You
Whoomp There It Is

What song plauges the corner of your brain when you least expect it?

Funny Science Songs, Part Two

You might remember this one...Particle Man, by They Might Be Giants. It's off of their Flood album. Here's a funny flashplayer annimated video to this song...hit this link and then click either "view in current window" or "view in new window." Then click "play." It's funny as hell. This song is a definite classic. Enjoy!


Particle Man

Particle Man, Particle Man
Doing the things a particle can.
What's he like, it's not important
Particle Man...

Is he a dot, or is he a speck
When he's underwater, does he get wet...
Or does the water get him instead?
Nobody knows.
Particle Man...

Triangle Man, Triangle Man
Triangle Man hates Particle Man.
They have a fight, Triangle wins
Triangle Man...

Universe Man, Universe Man
Size of the entire Universe Man.
Usually kind to smaller men,Universe Man.

He's got a watch with a minute hand,
Millennium hand, and an eon hand
And when they meet it's a happy land.
Powerful man,
Universe Man...

Person Man, Person Man
Hit on the head with a frying pan.
Lives his life in a garbage can,
Person Man...

Is he depressed or is he a mess?
Does he feel totally worthless?
Who came up with Person Man?
Degraded man, Person Man...

Triangle Man, Triangle Man
Triangle man hates Person Man
They have a fight, Triangle wins.
Triangle Man...

Have a great weekend...from Phoenix Man!

The Ghost of Toys R Us

Once a week, I will do a spooky post...leading up to Halloween. Do not read the following in the dark, alone. At the bottom of my post are two pictures of a ghost...you can either sneak a peak (which is what most of you will do) or just leave it for the end after reading the story behind the pictures.

The 60,000 square foot Toys R Us store in Sunnyvale, California is known to this day to be haunted. The biggest toy store in town has been featured in numerous books and television shows, including That's Incredible and Ripley's Believe It Or Not. I remember being a scared 9 year old, watching that episode on That's Incredible. It might have been a two part story...but I just remember having to sleep with the lights on for weeks.

World renowed psychic Sylvia Brown even did a seance in the toy store, and they had brought in several cameras to try to capture the ghost that wandered the store.

There have been countless stories from both employees and customers, and it's difficult to discount all of them. Here's a quick run-down of several experiences people have had at this Toys R Us:

>Footsteps coming from behind, but looking around - no one is there.
>Many people - employees and patrons alike have heard a man's voice whispering their names. >Talking dolls saying "Mommy" over and over again on their own.
>Countless falling merchandise - I'm sure many times they are explainable, but people have actually witnessed toys and boxes falling or flying across the room.
>Faucets turning on by themselves (the bathrooms seem to be the most active areas in the store)
>People have said they have actually seen this apparition...the apparition of a man.

Here is what we know about the land this Toys R Us is built on...

In the 1840s, Martin Murphy Jr. bought 90,000 acres of land. They Murphys built their home where the Toys R Us currently stands. A young man named Johan Johnson was hired as a farmhand. Apparently, he fell in love with Murphey's daughter, Elizabeth. His love was never reciprocated, and she married William Taaffe from San Francisco in 1863.

What I was unable to confirm was that Elizabeth died in 1875.

Johan was chopping wood, accidentally cut himself pretty badly, and he simply wrapped it up and continued chopping away. He literally bled to death, and died in 1884. Some say he cut his leg and severed an artery.

Psychic Sylvia Brown apparently made contact with this spirit in 1978. This was done BEFORE they were digging through local archives. In fact, Sylvia Brown assumed the spirit was Martin Murphy Jr, Sunnyvale's founding father. The spirit she made contact was NOT Murphy...she called him "Johnny."

She told Johnny to go to God, but he refused. He was waiting for Beth. Johnny then told Sylvia to move her feet or else they'd get wet. The researchers found that a water well DID exist under the store.

Snopes has reported on this story, and has concluded....there is no definite conclusion...

The picture below is of the seance, taken with an infrared camera. Another regular camera took a picture of the same spot at the same time, and NOTHING was found on the normal camera. People present at the seance report seeing absolutely nothing there. No person was standing there when this picture was taken. It looks like there's a ghost of man standing there outside the circle of people - in the upper left corner of the picture.


Judge for yourselves:

Below is a close-up of the apparition:

"Put On A Happy Face"

Modern science has been able to transplant organs like hearts, lungs, kidneys, and even eyeballs. The Cleveland Clinic recently received approval to attempt a new and controversial surgery. They have finally gained approval for transplanting a FACE.

Yes, a face.

We live in a society that automatically judges others by their looks, and for the many thousands that are disfigured from horrible accidents like facial burns, the painful scars run beyond being skin deep. They might have recovered physically from their trauma, but the emotional and psychological pain continues after the healing.

Here's how the operation proceeds:

1)They receive the face from a cadaver, matching the patient's skin tone, age, sex, and tissue as best as possible. That's right - they get a dead person's face. Ewwwwwwwwww!

2)The new face is surgically placed on the patients - a pair of veins and arteries from both sides are connected, and 20 nerve endings are stitched together. Little sutures then anchor the new face to the patient's scalp, neck, and other openings like eyes, nose, and mouth.

3)Anti-rejection pills must be taken forever, and the patient still risks infections and other complications - including tissue rejection. The face could then begin to rot and fall off (OK, I didn't need to include that detail, but I thought I'd throw that in for 'shock value').

4)Follow up counseling to help the patient with any emotional and psychological issues that could arise. Gee...like having a dead person's face attached to your head?

Those that oppose the face transplant say the risks are too great for a non-life-threatening situation. Also, there's the issue of morality - is taking the face of a deceased person the right thing to do?

Matthew Teffeteller, his face disfigured from an explosion in a car accident, would never get the surgery. "Having somebody else's face ... that wouldn't be right. When I look in the mirror, I might be scarred but I can still tell that it's me," he said.

How about the whole creepiness factor. Could you imagine wearing some other person's face? Experts believe you won't necessarily look like the dead person - that your new face would be a combination of the dead person AND you. WHAT? You'd be like a walking morph-head!

That reminds me, ever see that movie Face Off? John Travolta plays an FBI agent trying to bring down Nicholas Cage's criminal character. Travolta gets Cage's face transplanted in order to go undercover. But all hell breaks loose when Cage (the criminal) gets Travolta's face transplanted on HIM. Clever, huh? It's like a Who's on First Thriller with bullets and kung fu.

So in the future, when you sign the back of your driver's license and consent to donate your organs in the event of your death, are you essentially and possibly giving consent to donate your FACE as well? OK, that thought just gave me the heebie-jeebies.

Imagine the other ramifications if this science is perfected and viable:

>Criminals could get face transplants to escape the authorities.

>It would radically change plastic surgery - forget the rhinoplasty, gimmie Marilyn Monroe's face...literally!

>Bill Clinton could get a new face, take on a new identity, and run for President AGAIN.

>How about if some bereaved person wants to pay homage to his Uncle Robert by wearing his face for the rest of his life? Oh man, that's a great way to give heart attacks to all your relatives at a family reunion.

Michael Jackson could BE the elephant man...or John Lennon.

Face transplants would put the EXTREME in "extreme makeover." So who's dead face would YOU want to wear if you could?

The Mystery of Lake Chesterfield

Once upon a time, there lived a great big neighborhood named Lake Chesterfield. There were nice big houses in this subdivision, in the city of Grover, Missouri, and it's people were meticulous with their expensive homes.

All was well in this great neighborhood of luxury SUVs and uber soccer moms, until one day in the year 2004, the beautiful 23 acre lake in the center of the subdivision began to disappear.
In just three days, the lake was completely gone!

The citizens turned to their wise leader, Bruce Colella. The chair of the homeowner's association addressed his people with this decree: "With the name of the subdivision being Lake Chesterfield, we really needed the lake."

After all, it was not Pond Chesterfield...nor Dried Up Smelly Mud Pit Chesterfield either.

So the Eminent Chair Colella and his association went to all of the 700 homes of his beloved subdivision and collected about $1,000.00 from each homeowner. They spent $650,000 to repair the lake. Master craftsmen and engineers came and plugged the sinkhole - and took extra measures to assure the good people of Lake Chesterfield that their new lake would be even more glorious than before!

As the new water was poured into the renewed lake, the people rejoiced. They then replenished the lake with new wonderful fish...and indeed the new lake WAS greater than the original. And the people of Lake Chesterfield lived happily ever after!

Until...several of the citizens noticed something peculiar with their lake sometime in late August of 2005. "What could it be?" they asked. The people once again turned to their wise and powerful leader, Bruce Colella.

He replied in a manner that paid homage to the Great Yogi Berra: "De ja vu all over again" (Associated Press, 9.06.05).

Alas, the water was dropping at a rate of one foot per day. What could be causing the disappearance of Lake Chesterfield? This is indeed, what they call an Unsolved Mystery. Which is basically just a mystery that's naturally unsolved. If it was solved, it wouldn't be a mystery...right? But since it's unsolved, it is a mystery.

Anyway...here are my theories:

It's aliens. They are invading our minds, so why not invade our wealthy St. Louis West Country suburbs? It's a great way to break the human spirit...I know it's driving a bunch of Lake Chesterfielders absolutely NUTS. I used to live in Wildwood, so I speak from experience. If one blade of grass was missed on their carefully manicured lawns, they go crazy. Aliens break them psychologically and their minds are ripe for the picking. Maybe they should read my previous post on the Thought Screen Helmet.

It's Arizonians. I won't blame Canada for this one - they have plenty of water. Arizonians have the most to gain from stealing our Missouri water. From the constant feuding with California over the Colorado River, it makes perfect sense that they would reach the lake via underground caverns, suck the water out, and funnel it back to their desert state.

It's President Bush. He wants a diversion from all the heat he's getting from Hurricane Katrina. Maybe Farrakhan is right - Bush deliberately sabotaged the levy. Yup, I knew it. And now Bush is targeting Lake Chesterfield. Why drain a little insignificant lake? Beggars can't be choosers. Too bad the Russians didn't sell us their Weather Control Machine. Bush could whip up Hurricane Stan in a jiffy!

Prevent Alien Abduction And Thought Control...For $35

Are you one of the thousands, perhaps MILLIONS, of individuals being abducted by aliens? Are aliens able to tap into your mind and control your thoughts and actions?

If so, the solution for you is THE THOUGHT SCREEN HELMET.

Michael Menkin's creation, the Thought Screen Helmet, has proven to be the only effective defense from alien mind probes. It is simple to make and relatively inexpensive to purchase all the materials to create one for yourself. The helmet is NOT available in stores or even online. You must custom make one for yourself or loved ones suffering from alien thought invasion and abudction.

Why are aliens controlling our minds? Abducting humans? Simple - world domination. They have been planning on replacing Earth with alien-human hybrids. Part of their strategy is to utilize our own people against us - by mind control. The Thought Screen Helmet is the only KNOWN method of thwarting alien attempts to invade our brains...and it's the first step towards defending our planet from these invaders.

The helmet is simple to make. Materials include: a hat that covers your entire head, strong tape, and 3M Velostat. The Velostat is crucial, and is the material that keeps the alien's mind controlling away from your brain.

Do NOT confuse this technique with the AFDB technology - Aluminium Foil Deflector Beanies, as seen in the move Signs. This does not work against alien technology. However, many profess it is effective against simpler mind controlling techniques like those coming from Multi-Level Marketing Pyramid Schemes.

John Locke (pictured left) is just one abudctee that has found the Thought Screen Helmet to be a complete success: "Since trying Michael Menkin's Helmet, I have not been bothered by alien mind control. My life is better than ever before. Thank you Michael for the work you are doing to save all humanity."

How often you wear your Thought Screen Helmet depends on your specific situation. Are aliens abducting you or entering your mind at all times of the day? If so, then you should be wearing your helmet ALL THE TIME. Also, if this is your situation, I recommend creating a hat that is very "everyday" and won't attract attention from others. Maybe you only need to wear it at night. Mr. Menkin reports that no one has been abudcted while wearing the helmet. There is testimony from individuals that had their helmet either taken or tampered with while not being worn. Make sure to guard your Thought Screen Helmet.

PLEASE, if you are under the control of alien thoughts or are being abducted - go to Mr. Menkin's website www.stopabuctions.com right NOW (Mr. Menkin is pictured left wearing his helmet). There, you will find detailed instructions on constructing your own Thought Screen Helmet. It only takes 3-4 hours to put together. Do it right this moment, because even one more day is too much suffering at the hands of these alien intruders.

"Walk This Way..."

The upcoming issue of the journal Nature includes interesting findings about why humans get around they way we do. Cornell University engineers Manoj Srinivasan and Andy Ruina used computer models to simulate various ways people could get from point A to point B. They took into account several variables including: speed, leg length, muscle mechanics, and efficiency. Here's what they concluded:

Human physiology makes three methods of locomotion most effective:

1)Walking
2)Running
3)Speed walking

Interestingly, humans usually either walk or run. We don't see many people doing the speed-walk thing. Why? Other than it makes you look silly, it's not as efficient for it's respectable speed when compared to walking for slow speeds and running for fast speeds. Hopping and skipping were not very efficient at all. The way we walk and run makes us unique in the Animal Kingdom.

Funny how walking is also an indicator of health, mood, personality, social-status, and individual attitude. We all have our own individual ways of walking - some more observable than others. I thought about all the different kinds of walking and came up with a few distinct types:

The Roxbury Jig: You've seen them in the clubs - confident look in their eyes, chest puffed out like a peacock, and upright manly gait. These are the Rico Suaves...the Alpha Males doing their thing. They want the ladies to make sure they know exactly who is THE MAN. Also, these are the morons that refuse to even make the slightest adjustment to move when walking through a crowded aisle...oh no - they are Kings of the Jungle. They also probably still live at home and play really loud bass in their little Fiberglas cars. Hey Vinny Testosteroni, that thumping bass will make you impotent.

The Stealth Side-Step: This one's funny to watch. Just sit down on a bench at any local mall and find some (typically) larger guy with an uncomfortable look on his face. Mr. Sour-Puss has a massive wedgie...and there's no way to overtly remove the sticking underwear that's firmly wedged in his crack. There's only one thing to do...and do it so NOBODY notices...and that's the Stealth Anti-Wedgie Maneuver. With one swift side-step, as though he was doing the doe-si-doe square dance, he's able to pull his leg forward - keep his trunk sideways - and get that dental floss right outta there! Way to go my man! 9.0...9.0 all the way!

The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies: Maybe it's the trendy sun glasses, the new wave hair, or the stylish clothing. It even could be the man-purse that's swinging wildy from the hip. It's probably the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies walk he's doing that's giving it away. You've seen this walk...it's more flamboyant than even Rue Paul. Arms swinging wildly, limp wrist flailing about. This walk is the Anti-Roxbury Walk - as the Roxbury is hyper-masculine, the Sugar Plum Dance is hyper-gay. G-A-Y...gay!

The Lost My Manhood Stroll: Oh man...this one is the saddest to discuss. In front is the assertive, independent, makin'-the-bacon-fry-it-up-in-a-pan- woman of the new Millennium. Following at a distance behind is the slothy, pathetic, eating-the-bacon-but-having-to-carry-my-lady's-purse- man of the New Age. One question: Why? Donde esta tu cahones? Now drop the purse, walk away from the intimate apparel department, and go find your manhood now! Your father would spit on you...or laugh his ass off.

I've Got the Go-Gos: Too much beer? Too much water? Too much soda? Who knows...but this walking style is unmistakable. I believe this is where the speed-walking comes into play for homosapiens. Walking is too slow, and they will end up wetting their pants. Running is too much movement - the jostling will shake their bladders and they will wet their pants. They need to get there fast, but with as little movement as possible - like a Formula One race car. When a child has The Go-Gos, it's not funny. You feel for the kid. When an adult has the Go-Gos...now that's entertainment.

The Ghetto Swang: Think JJ Walker on "Good Times." Imagine him in his polyester suit, wide brim hat, white shoes doin' his thang down the street. He's walking in slow motion, because to him...walking is an art. His arms will swing wildy...one shoulder might take the lead and then pull straight back. It will remind you of Quasimodo on his way back to Notre Dame. If you're behind him and in a hurry, you're annoyed at his snail's pace. If there are others, they are doin' da Ghetto Swang too. So don't bother, just sit back and enjoy their artistic form. If they're old school, you might see one with a giant "Ghetto Blaster." If they're younger, you might see their underwear when their baggy pants begin to fall down with each step.

No matter your style, just keep in mind that how you walk can tell people a lot about you. From your individual gait, others can believe you're a studly wannabe or "Dyno-mite!"

Have a GREAT weekend everybody!

"Stupid Is As Stupid Does"

Every year, the Darwin Awards honors those martyrs who push mankind's evolutionary progression by ridding the global gene pool of their inferior genes. In other words, these people meet their own demise by their own stupid acts, thus strengthening the human genome.

So far, for 2005, three Darwin Awards have been handed out. Here are two of them:

January, 2005 in Pendang, Thailand...Mr. Prawat happened to be going by a Buddhist temple. He saw five performing elephants chained to trees beside the building. Mr. Prawat, being either bored or stupid - probably both - decided to play a fun game with one of the Indian elephants. While the trainer was still inside applying for an entertainment permit, Mr. Prawat offered one of the elephants a sugar cane stalk. As the elephant made a move for this tasty treat, Prawat teasingly pulled it away. He played this fun game over and over again. After one more denial of this sugary snack, the elephant attacked Prawat - it's tusks ran through Prawat's stomach, and the "Elephant Teaser" quickly died.

January 3, 2005 in St. Maurice, Switzerland...A Swiss Army unit had just finished live ammunition drills. The shooting instructor ordered the soldiers to secure their weapons for a break.
The 24-year-old second lieutenant, in charge of this unit, had a brilliant idea - demonstrate a surprise knife attack on one of his own soldiers while the unit had their guard down. Flashing his Swiss bayonet, he sprang towards one of his men. Ah-ha! However, just a couple days ago, the instructor taught the soldiers to release their guns' safety as to be prepared to shoot at any moment. The surprised soldier, seeing his own lieutenant leaping toward him with a knife, fired his gun just as he had been trained and killed his commanding officer with one fatal shot.

Here is one that received a Darwin Award in 2004:

November 2, 2004 in Portland Oregon...Dianne had 22 years experience as a bus driver. On this day, she was running a bit late and nature was calling. As the last of her passengers got off her bus, she hurried out to go to the bathroom and left the bus in gear and engine running. Nothing wrong with that, right? The bus had safety brakes, the brakes would keep the bus from moving as long as the doors were open. Dianne came around the bus, reached in from the driver's window, and hit the lever to shut her bus' doors. While she crossed the front of the bus to go to the ladies' room, the bus slowly began to move forward. The 25,000 pound behmoth slowly inched its way towards Dianne. She could have done the moonwalk while singing "Beat It" and still have gotten out of the bus' way. Instead, she decided to use her superpowers to stop it. With arms stretched and a grunt louder than a constipated karate master, she gathered all of her stength to stop the bus. Well, the bus did finally stop...with Dianne's lifeless body found by paramedics underneath.

Remember Darwin's law of "survival of the fittest." And don't worry about those that are least fit. Perhaps they will eventually abandon the gene pool by their own hands.

"Quick, put your lighter next to my butt.."

Cure for infertility - Roller Coaster???

A roller coaster cured her infertility?

Nayade Elbing and her husband Arnold had been trying to have children for years, but they had finally resigned themselves to the fact that Nayade was 'barren.' I guess they just assumed it was HER fault. Maybe Arnie was shooting blanks.

One day, after a romantic interlude at home, they went to an amusement park in Hassloch, Germany. There, they rode a roller coaster called the Expedition GeForce - one of the fastest roller coasters in the world.

A week later, they found out she was pregnant. Dr. Thomas Gent, their doctor, said: "We believe that she conceived due to the G-force of the rollercoaster ride." Since then, she has given birth to a son, Leandro Elias. Proud pappa, Arnold, has nicknamed his son G-Force, and the child has been given a lifetime free pass to the amusement park.

Could the roller coaster's massive g-forces have really helped Nayade and Arnold conceive their child? I really have no idea, and doctors are investigating. So is one possible cure for infertility a matter of being "shaken, not stirred?" Who knows. In the areas of conception and the miracle of life, science still has much to learn.

Interestingly, it's incredible how many myths surrounding baby-making still exist today. Even very educated and intelligent people have minconceptions about conception. According to a questionnare given out to thousands of adults by the American Infertility Association, only 1 in 12,382 got all the questions correct.

It seems there are a ton of fertility myths still floating around out there. For example:

1)A woman can only get pregnant one day per cycle.
The egg only lives 12-24 hours after it's release, true. However sperm can live inside a female for up to SEVEN DAYS! Those little guys can survive five days prior to ovulation and an additional two days after ovulation.

2)A woman can't get pregnant her first time.
You know a really eager guy had to make this one up. Getting pregnant your first time is as likely as getting pregnant your 573rd time - it's no less or more likely. There are documented cases of girls getting pregnant even before they had their first period. Pappa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep.

3)Douching with Coke, 7-up, or Mountain dew after sex will kill sperm.
OK, that's pretty darn gross. I think some 6th grader had to make that one up. And no, guys, drinking a ton of Mountain Dew will not kill your sperm. I hear accidentally catching your parents doing the nasty can kill your libido for most of your reproductive years, though.

4)Withdrawal prevents pregnancy.
According to Planned Parenthood, "Of every 100 women whose partners use withdrawal, 19 will become pregnant during the first year of typical use." There is sperm on the penis and in the pre-ejaculate - MILLIONS. If ejaculation occurs near her vagina, semen can still seep inside and pregnancy could occur. Yup - pregnant without penetration. I know a girl in high school that got pregnant that way. Withdrawal is about as effective as mentally programming your sperm to "come back to the light" after sex.

5)Jumping up and down after sex will prevent pregnancy.
Huh? Who makes up this stuff? Looking at what happened with Nayade Elbing, it looks like being jostled might actually HELP a woman conceive. I think manipulative men just wanted to watch their ladies jump up and down.

6) Drinking Robitussin before you ovulate will make you more fertile.
I'm beginning to think product marketers are the ones behind these idiotic myths. Robitussin will NOT make you more fertile. It WILL help ease the tightness in your chest when you have a cold. And according to Chris Rock's dad, Robitussin will also help you if you get cancer, asthma, or break your leg.

Like a Virgin, Reproducing for the Very First Time

The Roslin Institute, yep - the folks that first brought you Dolly the cloned sheep, is at it again. They report at a Dublin conference that they have been able to get a human egg to divide without the aid of fertilization via male sperm.

What?!

Scientists have been able to create what's called parthenogenesis, or 'virgin birth.' Parthenogenesis naturally occurs with plants, insects, and some species of lizards. In essence, it's asexual reproduction. The female's eggs simply divide, become embryos, and grow up to be fatherless beings. Earlier experiments included mice, and then monkeys...often with abnormal embryos. Gee....ya think? Now they're doing it with human eggs.

Now the next question...WHY?

Stem cell research is crucial in discovering cures for various diseases such as Parkinson's. Currently, in order for doctors to harvest embryonic stem cells, the embryo must first develop until it reaches the blastycyst stage - which is made up of 100 cells. Dr. De Sousa of the Institute reports that they have only been able to produce embryos via parthenogenesis with 50 cells - but he believes they will soon be able to create these "fatherless" embryos with the necessary amount of cells to extract stem cells.

If they are able to do so, this would allow scientists to conduct their experiments to find these cures without having to take them from full fledged embryos - embryos from fertilized eggs. Working from conventional stem cells remains a heated controversy worldwide, and the Institute hopes to sidestep this controversy by using stem cells from asexual embryos.

Ha, fat chance!

Pro-Life and other groups are outraged at these experiments, calling them "Frankenstein-ish." Simply put, doctor's are messing with science they cannot fully understand.

So how do scientists do it?

Normally, the female human egg ejects half of it genetic material to make room for the male sperm's genes. Instead, scientists shock the egg with a little electricity to spark the female egg to start dividing by itself. No need for fertilization...no need for sperm.

I see this development as truly terrible for men everywhere. What if scientists further develop this technology? Eventually sperm won't be necessary for conception???? EH GADS! They would be taking away the only thing females need us for! Nooooooooooooooooo! Earth would become a true Amazonian planet. Maybe they'll keep us men around as pets for sheer entertainment and torture.

Out of work sperm cells

Put's a new meaning on the song:

Sisters are doin' it for themselves

The Healing Hot Dog

Can the power of hot dogs save lives? Scientists at the National Institutes of Health are working to make it happen. You all thought coffee had gotten a bad rap, we've been told hot dogs are lethal pork missiles...high in fat, calories, cholesterol, and sodium. But now, they believe the sodium nitrites in hot dogs can literally help treat deadly diseases.

How does it work? Sodium nitrites are what keep hot dogs from spoiling. So when you go to your local 7-11 and see those wieners being turned in those neat little ovens, you can pretty much bet that sodium nitrites have kept those 'dogs fresh for a few days.

Doctors have discovered that the sodium nitrites guard tissues when they are depleted of oxygen. For example, if someone has a heart attack and his arteries are cleared by a surgeon, heart tissue will remain to die afterwards. The nitrite interrupts that occurrence, dilates blood vessels, and essentially protects the heart tissue.

Utilizing sodium nitrites could help patients suffering from sickle cell anemia, heart attacks, brain aneurysms, and pulmonary hypertension.

Scientists are working on finding a pharmaceutical company to create what would be a really inexpensive drug. Trials on mice, dogs, and monkeys have yielded very favorable results. Human volunteers are now being injected with the hot dog preservative (pictured right).

That's amazing stuff.

I hope these same scientists can discover like treatments:

1)Pepperoni pizza will help cure lethargy
2)Cheese fries will cure allergies
3)Cheeseburgers will prevent migraines
4)Belgian waffles will stop hairloss
5)Fried chicken will prevent cavities and gingivitis

I figure, if they're able to show that hot dogs can save lives they can surely find links between my favorite bad foods and curing common ailments.

Hot dogs are a good start, so EAT UP and get 'yo sodium nitrite freak on!

Funny Science Songs, Part One

Isaac Asimov was a prolific science fiction writer, writing over 500 books. For example, the movie I, Robot was based on one of his novels. Apparently, Mr. Asimov also had a sense of humor. Here are the lyrics to a song he wrote called, "Clone, Clone of My Own" that is to be sung to the tune of "Home, Home on the Range."

O give me a clone of my own flesh and bone,
With its Y chromosome changed to X.
And when it is grown, then my own little clone
Will be of the opposite sex.

Chorus:
Clone, clone of my own,
With its Y chromosome changed to X
And when I'm alone with my own little clone
We'll both think of nothing but sex.

O give me a clone, hear my sorrowful moan,
Just a clone that is wholly my own.
And if it's an X of the feminine sex,
Oh what fun we will have when we're prone.

(Repeat Chorus)

My heart's not of stone, as I've frequently shown
When alone with my dear little X
And after we've dined, I am sure we will find
Better incest than Oedipus Rex.

(Repeat Chorus)

Why should such sex vex, or disturb or perplex.
Or induce a disparaging tone?
After all, don't you see, since we're both of us me.
When we're making love, I'm alone.

(Repeat Chorus)

Have a great weekend!

P.S. For those in particular parts of the country that are offended by these lyrics, my sincerest apologies and disgust.

Got Coffee?

Coffee has gotten a bad rap in recent years, but researches are finding that coffee does a body good. A new study shows that Americans get a majority of their antioxidants from their cups of java. Dr Joe Vinson of the University of Scranton said, "Americans get more of their antioxidants from coffee than any other dietary source. Nothing else comes close."

So all you coffee drinkers out there, drink up and celebrate!

For those who don't like coffee, black tea was #2 on the list, followed by bananas, then dry beans (I wonder if jelly beans are included), and finally corn was #5.

What are antioxidants and how are they good for us? Overall, they help protect against heart disease and cancer. Specifically, as our bodies break down chemicals in our bodies, oxidation occurs. This oxidation creates free radicals. Free radicals are bad...very bad for your body. These free radicals attack our cells, which can do permanent damage to the body. Antioxidants attack free radicals. Yea antioxidants!

Coffee has also been linked with other health benefits like helping to protect against Parkinson's and even type 2 diabetes! So should the other 50% of Americans that don't drink coffee daily go out and start suckin' down hot java juice? Hold your horses, amigos. Dr. Vinson advises most of us to only drink a cup or two a day to receive this powerful antioxidant dose.

OK, so coffee is America's top source of antioxidants. WELL-LADDY-FREAKIN'-DA! Americans' top source of fiber is probably Doritos. Just because coffee is the primary source doesn't mean it's the BEST source. Fruits and vegetables are great sources of antioxidants - and are better for you.

More people are addicted to caffeine than any other substance in the world. Coffee has also been linked to the following side effects - either from consumption or from withdrawal:

- jittery and nervousness
- stomach pains and headaches
- elevated blood pressure
- elevated heart rates

- disorientation and forgetfulness

- fatigue
- dehydration
- accentuated PMS symptoms
- nausea
- sexual dysfunction (aka loss of mojo)
- hotflashes and excessive underam perspiration
- disorientation and forgetfulness
- involuntary muscle ticks, tremors, twitches, shakes
- bloating, burping, farting (loud staccato AND silent but deadlies)
- hallucinations, incoherentness, schizophrenia, bio-polar disorder, depression, moody-blues
- offensive body odor
- excessive body hair growth (particularly in the nose, ear, and knuckles)
- irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
- lethargy, apathy, ignorance, and stuttering
- ungodly discharges from places you don't want discharges to come from
- disorientation and forgetfulness
- belief that "Glitter" was one helluva great movie

Enjoy your coffee!

Robo-Dog Replaces Richard Simmons

Sony's little robotic dog, Aibo, will do more than simply entertain the kiddos, if several MIT geniuses have their way. Lead by the world renowed expert on Artificial Intelligence, Cynthia Breazeal(pictured left), this new robo-pup will actually help people stick with their diet and exercise regimen. They plan on unveiling the protype later this week in Tokyo.

Here's how Aibo, the diet-Nazi-canine, will work:

The robotic dog will be hooked up wirelessly to the owner's pedometer, digital bathroom scale, and electronic diet diary via PDA. Aibo will then analyze all the data and keep the owner updated with his/her progress. The owner could even ask, "How am I doing?" and the robo-dog will respond in one of the following ways, depending on the dieter's efforts:

1)Jump up and down, tail will wag, happy music will be played, and his LED eyes will light up like fireworks

2)Move slowly, lethargicly, play funeral music

3)Run out the door, gather fellow ferral robotic canines into a robo-pack, and visciouly attack the owner for sucking down that brownie

Seriously, if that's all the robot dog will do, is that enough?Act happy if the dieter sticks to it or act sad if the dieter cheats? I think maybe this robot dog would work for Japanese owners. For Americans, they're going to have to step it up a notch...or two.

Maybe Aibo could be equpimed with sensitive microphone sensors programmed to recognize the sound of the fridge opening after 10:00. The dieter goes to raid the fridge for a late night snack, Aibo is alerted by the sound and gives off an ear-piercing alarm. Maybe it could go for the ankle of our would-be cheater with robo-teeth.

How about having Aibo armed with a camera that detects movement...specifically programmed to recognize the body movements of a person exercising. If the owner stops too long for a breather or decides to cheat while Billy Blanks is still Tai-Bo-ing his brains out, Aibo will detect the lack of movement and intervene. I'm thinking maybe firing off laser guided bottle rockets or something at the owner's feet.

Here's the thing...will mixing a grumpy dieter with a robot dog really be a smart thing to do? I could see somebody whom has reduced their caloric intake a couple cheesburger's and ding-dong's worth suddenly go ballistic on the robot puppy. People do violent things when denied french fries...and I would not be surprised to find "disassembled" robo-dogs laying scattered on the floor of a stressed out dieter.

This really isn't far-fetched. French scientists ran experiments a couple years ago on how REAL dogs responded to the robot canine...and the results were not pretty. All was well until they put a piece of meat in the room. The real Fido ripped the crap out of Aibo. In fact, one scientist was recorded shrieking like a girl during the slaughter.

Could this robo-dog really help people lose weight? Maybe...but maybe the American model should have several self-defensive mechansims installed first. If it gets between Big Jimbo and his quarter-pounder with chesse super-sized meal, Aibo the robo-dog will end up Aibo the robo-dead.

Lab Grown Cleavage?

Recently, British scientists have discovered the specific gene responsible for triggering the growth of mammary tissue. In other words, they know what makes boobs grow. They have even named this gene - Scaramanga. For those who don't know, Scaramanga is a James Bond villain that had THREE nipples. He was the man with the golden gun, but also had a golden nip. Oh, those zany Brits!

So here's the significance of finding the Scaramanga gene: the formation of organs in embryos is controlled by genes. With breast tissue formation, only two are supposed to form. Sometimes, something triggers the growth of a third breast or misplaced nipples. I use the word sometimes very loosely because 1 in 18 people have an extra nipple. Scientists will be able to understand breast tissue development much better and determine how abnormalities such as a third nipple or breast cancer develops on the cellular level.

This research is funded by The Breakthrough Toby Robins Breast Cancer Research Centre, which has been instrumental in working to find a cure for breast cancer.

One day, scientists will be able to grow mammary tissues in a laboratory to aid patents in cosmetic surgery or reconstructive surgery post mastectomy.

So will cosmetic surgeons not need to use saline or silicone implants? With this technology on the horizon, they could simply grow breasts for their patients. Labs could grow a variety of breasts for clients to choose from. And their new breasts will be REAL tissue!

*This could revolutionize breast augmentation surgery.
*Perhaps, scientists will learn more about how breast cancer cells form and provide a way to either prevent or inhibit cancerous cell formation.
*Is having a third nipple really a bad thing though?

According to The Third Nipple, a website dedicated to the 'triple nipple,' only 11% of people would be uncomfortable around a person with three nipples. 68% of girls said they would date a triple nippler. I'd hardly call this condition a negative phenomena.

With regard to cosmetic surgery, would doctors be able to grow breast tissue and keep them in-house? Will the tissue go bad after a certain time? Maybe customers can have their breasts custom designed and grown. They will just have to wait for the tissue to grow before installation.

For those who want their new breasts super-sized,doctors better get bigger petri dishes...

Rest Stop for Tree Huggers and Turncoats

Vermont has installed a $6.3 million "living machine" rest stop along Highway 89. It's a rest stop that uses plants and microorganisms to purify the toilet water and waste. The waste in converted to food for the South Asian plants in the greenhouse while the purified water is then recycled back into the toilets. Oh, be careful - the recycled water is not for drinking.

Some have been critical of the cost of this "green" rest stop, but many believe it will bring tourist dollars to Sharon, Vermont. This rest stop is also home to a large Vietnam War memorial. They believe visitors will go to the rest stop to honor those that died...and visitors have to pee sometime.

"We think it will be a destination stop for veterans from around the country to come and pay their respects and see the first Vietnam memorial on the Interstate system," Mr. Von Turkovich, state director of buildings and environmental services, said.

For obvious reasons, environmentalists are hailing this rest stop and look forward to it's opening in September. It uses less energy than other typical rest stops, and it uses natural means to recycle water. They hope more of these "living machine" rest rooms will be built in all types of public buildings.

There's a couple things about this rest stop I couldn't help pondering:

So it's a rest stop AND Vietnam War memorial? Isn't that just a bit odd? Doesn't it seem like a strange combination? How about combining a DMV office with a wax museum?

I think it's interesting that it's a memorial for those that died in Vi