Sexy Managers Get No Respect

Just when you thought it was safe to wear a low-cut blouse...

It seems that the more sexy a woman of power dresses, the less intelligent she appears to others. A study conducted by Peter Glick, professor at the University of Lawrence, Wisconsin, finds that this discrimination was particularly obvious when the sexy woman was a manager. The study, which is being published in December's issue of Psychology of Women Quarterly, involved men and women participants viewing different videos of women talking about their hobbies/interests while being alternately dressed in conservative attire and more revealing sexy attire.

The findings: Participants were asked to make presumptions concerning each woman with respect to her perceived intelligence, competence, education, and GPA. The sexy attire of the receptionists seemed unaffected, as were the women wearing flat dress shoes, a turtle neck, blazer, and more conservative clothing. However, it seems the women managers wearing the sexy clothing were viewed as less competent.

Peter Glick believes, "A female manager whose appearance emphasized her sexiness elicited less positive emotions, more negative emotions, and perceptions of less competence on a subjective rating scale and less intelligence on an objective scale."

Does that sound surprising?

The common belief is that a woman in a position of power must prove her worthiness by working harding, being smarter, and even acting and dressing more masculine. Disagree? Hey, remember those 80s women powersuits? Ever catch an episode of Dynasty? Those powersuits had shoulder pads as big as aircraft carriers. You could set a stack of books on each shoulder with those things. These dresses were designed to give women a more manly look. Perhaps there's been a backlash from those ogre-looking dresses and women decided to look more womanly. Call it revenge of femininity.

I work with many different kinds of businesses, and I've been seeing more women dressing more and more sexy. Just watch television...do women lawyers really look THAT hot? Glick adds, ""Although various media directed toward women …encourage women to emphasize their sex appeal, our results suggest that women in high status occupations may have to resist this siren call to obtain the respect of their co-workers."

So is the pendulum swinging the other way? Are we going to see women dressing more like linebackers? Why do women managers get such a bad rap anyway?

Jessica Salasky, businesswoman extraordinare and creator of the Confidence Builders seminars, says that from her interviews of over 2000 men AND women, 75% of them said they preferred to have a male manager over a female one.

Being reprimanded by a female manager is a worker's worst nightmare. Perceptions of their female manager in such situations was FAR more negative. Leane Atwater, author of ''Gender and Discipline in the Workplace — Wait Until Your Father Gets Home,'' reports that workers that received any type of disciplinary were:
*less likely to believe the punishment was fair
*less likely to accept responsibility for their actions
*more likely to believe the female manager was incompetent or ineffective in delivering discipline

It seems female managers are already perceived as evil and incompetent. Does dressing more sexy exaserbate the situation? Maybe. Is the "female boss is an uber bitch" stereotype supported by such a large number of female bosses being so mean and ineffective? Personally, I've had three female bosses and every single one of them was a major pain in the ass. Is that from my skewed, limited, and sexist perspective? That's quite possible. But looking back, I have to say that each female boss was the bane of my existence at the time.

In my anger and frustration during stressful situations with a female boss, a million thoughts ran through my mind. I never verbalized these thoughts since I wanted to keep my job and sexual harrassing your boss is probably not a very effective method to achieving 'employee of the month.' The following are things I wanted to say out of pure hatred, but never had the guts to. All of these are anger-based and quite sexist. For those that are easily offended, you should read no more. For the rest of you, I have bitten my tongue whilst I wish I could have said:

"Are you keeping track of my bathroom breaks because you're concerned about my bladder health?"

"So whom did you have to have sex with in order to get promoted?"

"Are you working so hard in order to pay for a re-assignment surgery?"

"You can afford the most expensive clothes and makeup, but you'll never be pretty."

"Stop bragging about your kids. They're spoiled and ugly, now leave me alone."

"I'm sorry for eating one of your chocolate bars in the refrigerator. I was just trying to help you lose weight."

"Cussing like a sailor won't make a penis grow between your legs."

And not ONE of my bosses dressed in a sexy manner at any time.

Crazy Canadian Says President Bush Wants To Kick E.T.'s Ass

Paul Hellyer, former Canadian Minister of Defense, says the the United States military is gearing up for battle with aliens. According to Hellyer, Iraq is not enough for the blood-thirsty President Bush - now he wants to rule the universe!

(Ominouis and sinister laughing)

Hellyer has been quite vocal about his beliefs in aliens and UFOs for many years. Back in 1967, he took a helicopter tour of an acutal landing pad in St. Paul, Alberta. I wonder how often that great parking space has been used by extraterristrials...

In September of this year, he has been even more outspoken about his beliefs. He said that he's seen UFOs while out with his wife and friends. Hellyer said the Peter Jennings' UFO Special further opened his mind about what he had witnessed.

Throughout his career, Hellyer has been a big supporter of the Space Preservation Treaty - banning weapons in outer space. Canada, China, and Russia have supported such a ban...however the United States has been reluctant to go along. In fact, it seems the U.S. has been working on developing weapons for use in outer space.

Hellyer believes Bush is preparing for war, and the moonbase project is the first major step towards that readiness. He says, "The Bush administration has finally agreed to let the military build a forward base on the moon, which will put them in a better position to keep track of the comings and goings of the visitors from space, and to shoot at them, if they so decide."

Many political groups have rallied behind Hellyer's warnings of impending intergalactic doom, such as the ICIS - Institute for Cooperation In Space. Hellyer and the others have been working to take their concerns to the Canadian Senate in order to begin to enforce the Space Preservation Treaty and work to halt the United States' plans of interstellar dominiation. Going to the Canadian Senate is about as effective as me going to a hippy for advice on my investments.

Hellyer not only accuses the U.S. of preparing to battle aliens, but that the government has covered up any evidence pertaining to the existence and visitations of alien beings - including the whole Roswell Incident. He says of Roswell: "The classification was, from the outset, above top-secret, so the vast majority of U.S. officials and politicians, let alone a mere allied minister of defense, were never in-the-loop."

The U.S. could never leak such highly classified information...never! I just can't imagine our government accidentally leaking information to the public, so Hellyer MUST be right.

Despite all the effective and air-tight U.S. cover ups, Hellyer's main concern is the possibility of war with aliens. He believes such a battle could ultimately destroy the Earth. "I'm so concerned about what the consequences might be of starting an intergalactic war, that I just think I had to say something. The United States Military [is] preparing weapons which could be used against the aliens, and they could get us into an intergalactic war without us ever having any warning."

I'm sorry, but the image of Canadian Mounties flying Gravatron Hovercrafts and blasting aliens just flashed before me...oh Dear Lord that's funny.

At first, I found Hellyer's claims of such a conspiracy to be comedic at best. However, after further investigation, I'm beginning to believe the former Defense Minister. In all honesty, I really do believe the Roswell Incident was a major military and government cover up. And the evidence of military plans to build a base in outer space to be used as a major point for destroying aliens have recently surfaced.

On the dark side of the moon, the United States military is currently building a weapon of such magnatude, it's easy to assume that interstellar domination is the U.S.'s motive in building such a thing. Here's a picture of the U.S. latest secret weapon:





By the way, you-would-be-alien-invaders, never underestimate the power of the Darkside.

The Battle of the Fairies

Here in the States, you often hear about how growing development is displacing wildlife. You're hearing more and more about residents having encounters with wild bears, deer, and other animals. As housing spreads into new territories, these clashes with the wild will continue to increase.

In St. Fillans, Perthshire, UK, a development company is having a different kind of wildlife clash...

FAIRIES!

Marcus Salter of Genesis Properties is learning firsthand how determined native residents are concerning with protecting the colony of fairies believed to live under an ancient monolith. The St. Fillans countryside is well known for being home to many sets of mysteries rock formations, believed to be strategically placed on top of ley lines for their mystical powers.

As Salter and his crew were digging to begin construction of a new residential development, they came across an ancient rock near the mountainside. Salter said, " A neighbour came over shouting, ‘Don’t move that rock. You’ll kill the fairies’. Then we got a series of phone calls, saying we were disturbing the fairies. I thought they were joking. It didn’t go down very well.”

So far, this run-in with the fairy protectors has cost Genesis Properties £15,000. Salter and his company have attempted to work around the rock formation and not disturb the fairies. It seems that his efforts might not be enough.

“I went to a meeting of the community council and the concerns cropped up there,” Salter reported. It seems the people are fighting any further development, for the sake of the fairies.

The rock and it's surrounding area has historical and religious significance. There, Celtic Christians worked to convert Pict natives from their Pagan practicies. Residents believe moving the rock would curse the area and its inhabitants. The power of the fairies could bring doom and misery to all those nearby should the powerful monoliths be disturbed.

Salter has completely re-worked the plans of the development, and has moved his construction to a new site. It looks like the fairies have won this round versus the developers. Curiously, at the site of their new construction, a small rock outcropping sits smack dab in the center of the development.

I don't think the builders have heard the last of the fairies.

After reading this story, I was able to come across some documents pertaining to these St. Fillans fairies, confirming that a colony did indeed live underneath the ancient monolith. British intelligence has been doing surveillance of the area for decades, and I was able to procure the following photograph - concrete proof that fairies do indeed reside in the mysterious countryside of Perthshire:

These fairies are willing to fight to the end.

What's Lurkin' In Your Turken'?

My thanks goes to siren song for her idea submission...

The American Thanksgiving Tradition: gather family and friends, cook a giant turkey along with all the other wonderful dishes, eat until you can't eat no more, head over to the family room and turn on football, and finally fall into the abyss known as the 'turkey coma.'

It's really a wonderful tradition, and one I look forward to every year. Question is, is there really something in the turkey that makes giants fall? Is there some type of chemical compound in a turkey that makes Uncle Tony begin snoring and drooling on your couch? The media has been talking about this for years, but how much truth is in their hype?

There is an amino acid called tryptophan that's found in turkey. Tryptophan is a known sedative, and at one time was a common sleeping aid. Tryptophan is an essential amino acid that is needed for the body to create serotonin, melatonin, and niacin. Serotonin is a calming neurotrasmitter while melatonin is a hormone that induces sleep. Tryptophan was being used in pill form to treat insomnia, but there was a rash of contaminated tryptophan that caused serious illness and some deaths in patients.

So is it the tryptophan that makes everyone groggy after stuffing their faces? Probably not. Tryptophan isn't able to affect the brain inside a stomach full of other foods and protein. There isn't enough tryptophan in turkey to affect you whatsoever anyway.

It's really all the food you eat that makes you sleepy - the mashed potatoes, the stuffing, pie, sweet potatoes. Lots of carbs means you will certainly crash a few moments after dinner. The insulin effect from all those starchy carbohydrates will certain trigger sleepiness. Plus, alcohol will certainly lay you out for the count. Don't believe the hype about the tryptophan in turkey. Other foods containing tryptophan include chicken, pork, and cheese. When you consume large amounts of food, the blood rushes to your gut to aid digestion, and there's the insulin/sugar effect from eating all those carbs.

What can be done to avoid the 'turkey coma?' Who cares? Why avoid it? It's tradition. I say embrace your Thanksgiving induced nap. Enjoy it. Gathering around a table, shoving lots of good food down your throat, and then sleeping to the sounds of football is your God-given-right!

Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful that the human mind is capable of justifying the enormous consumption of food that will make you fat and lazy. Just remember that it's not the tryptophan in the turkey that triggers sleep. It's a combination of eating lots of carbohydrates and the all-too-familiar call from the kitchen that, "It's time to do the dishes."

I guess many of us men have the 'turkey coma' on a daily basis.

"Thank You For Not Breeding!"

"May we live long and die out."
"Thank you for not breeding."

Who on earth would be putting these two ridiculous messages on bumper stickers and T-shirts? If you can believe it, there is a group based in San Francisco that is calling for the extinction of the human race. Yeah, you read that right. They want all of us - including themselves - to be extinct for the good of the Earth.

VHEMT (pronounced vehement) - Voluntary Human Extinction Movement. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell the "T" stands for in VHEMT. I think they just stuck it on their so they can go around saying "vehement." Of course, they still need an "N" in front of the "T." It seems these morons can't spell.

Here's their argument in a nutshell: We humans consume and therefore ravage the Earth. We destroy the ecosystem and cause thousands upon thousands of other animal species to become extinct through our consumption and pollution. This movement is calling for the long range extinction of the human race in order to save the earth. When you look at the staggering statistics concerning human beings, they make a compelling argument...

*16,000 humans are born every hour on the world
*Each human creates 22 million pounds of liquid waste and 2.2 million pounds of solid waste (you can thank all the pro-fiber people for that one)
*Each human will consume 4,000 barrels of oil, 1.5 million pounds of minerals (which easily converts to more solid waste), and 62,000 pounds of animal products
*40,000 children died each day of malnutrition
(all stats from www.vhemt.org)

So VHEM(T) believes we need to stop breeding, get old, and all just die. And that will save the Earth.

BRILLIANT!

Les Knight, founder of VHEM(t) had a vasectomy back in the 1970s when he was 25. He says,"We can't be breeding right now. It's obvious that the intentional creation of another [human being] by anyone anywhere can't be justified today" (SF Chronicle, 11/16/05).

On their website, they have several justifications for their views coming from all different perspectives: the economic impact, overpopulation issues, morality and religious issues, and environmental perspectives. They one day hope for: "Gaia completely cured of pox humans. Without us meddlesome humans, all other species would get their fair chance at survival."

I don't know about that, Les. I think cockroaches LOVE all the stuff we leave for them...as do mice, rats, and other species that eat our scraps.

Here are just a few of my personal observations:

1)What the hell is the "T" for in VHEMT? Come 'on Les...tell me. It's really bothering me. Does it mean "team?" Maybe "terror" or "troopers."

2)What good is a perfect Gaia without any humans? It just sounds pretty idiotic to me. You want us to be ecocentric? Forgo the human race to save Earth? Isn't that like falling in love with your car?

3)The biological urge to have children is our innermost base desire, removed from our conscious mind at times. Even two VHEM(T) members shed their movement's beliefs for their own needs. Mike and Mary Brune (Mike is the director the Rainforest Action Network and Mary is founder of Making Our Milk Safe) went against their own movement's manifesto and had a child after 7 years of marriage. Mike+Mary = Olivia, 15 months old now. How you like that Les?

4)They're against our species' survival! That goes against every fiber in every human being's body. Survival is perhaps our strongest ingrained instinct. If I had a gun and started shooting it at Les, he's going to duck...he's going to run and try to take cover. Why? Because he doesn't want to die. It's a survival instinct that takes over. We can't just turn off that instinct to survive as an individual, as a family, as a community, and as a race of beings.

5)The human race will go on. Yes, we alone stand as the only creatures on earth that is capable of exerting some limited control on the environment. With technology, we have the power to preserve, the power to heal, and the power to replenish. Biotechnology holds vast potential to feed the world. We will no doubt develop interstellar travel in the next 200 years. The human race will continue to grow and evolve, not become extinct as your movement so desires.

6)Mother Earth can take care of herself, thank you very much. Ever heard of a tsunami? How about an earthquake? Read about the bird flu lately? Gaia has her own population control, as Mother Nature has her own ways to balance things out. She doesn't really need your help in this manner. I think she can handle this on her own.

7)The Earth is better of without humans? Um, no. The Earth would be better off without any more semi-celebrity reality shows, that's for sure.

I wonder if there's a growing "movement" out there to perhaps help expedite the extinction of the human race. Oh, wait, there is. Philip Morris makes cancer sticks, which have killed millions. Maybe VHEMT and Philip Morris should work together to create a perfect Mother Earth through human extinction.

Reindeer Games...On Cam!

How do you learn more about what deer do behind the bushes? Why, you stick a head-mounted camera on their heads! University of Missouri researcher Josh Millspaugh placed wireless cameras on 3 white-tailed deers and collected over 200 hours of footage.

“Until now we have had to use remote techniques such as radio transmitters or Global Positioning System collars to study wildlife behavior,'' Millspaugh said.

Things they have observed when going through the footage was what the deer ate, where and when they slept, how they fought, and most importantly how they interacted with each other. The amount of actual deer interaction surprised researchers.

“There was almost constant interaction -- mouth-to-mouth interaction, grooming,'' Millspaugh said. “When we talk about issues such as disease transmission, boy, it's sure useful to know how much in contact they are with one another.''

The National Science Foundation is impressed with Millspaugh's work and is providing a $1 million grant for additional deercam studies. Other areas they want to study is how to best manage the deer population and how the behavior of deer affects the numerous vehicle accidents they are involved with in Missouri.

I managed to get some stills taken from the deer cam footage, and I have to say, it is pretty interesting stuff...

Wow, the forest is so beautiful in the Autumn.

"Don't shoot me! There's a plump, delicious rabbit here instead."

"Look here, Bob. We caught us a BIG one!"

This guy is the most inept hunter in the world.

"Can you hand me my Buckmasters magazine?"

Eating Healthy Food Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

No doubt you've heard lately about being healthy by eating organic foods. There's been an explosion of organic whole food stores opening up all over the nation. Even at my local grocery store, there is an entire section of organic and whole foods for sale.

Just as anorexia is considered an eating disorder and a disease, there's a new food obsession in town. It's an obsession with only eating high quality/organic foods. It's name: Orthorexia Nervosa. Ortho = proper, orexia = appetite. Although orthorexia is not an official eating disorder yet, it's quickly becomming a problem for many health conscious people out there.

Some of these people do want to lose weight, others need to cure an ailment, and there are those that simply wish to be healthy. Now, nothing's wrong with choosing to eat organic and whole foods. Most of us need to do more of it. Cancer and Type 2 Diabetes are on the rise, and maybe eating better could either prevent or alleviate these diseases. However, it seems even planning healthy meals can become an obsession.

Here are some of the signs that someone could be suffering from orthorexia nervosa (from the Palo Alto Medical Foundation):

*Spending more than three hours a day thinking about healthy food
*Continually limiting the number of foods they eat
*Experiencing a reduced quality of life or social isolation (because their diet makes it difficult for them to eat anywhere but at home)
*Feeling critical of others who do not eat as well they do
*Skipping foods they once enjoyed in order to eat the "right" foods
*Feeling guilt or self-loathing when they stray from their diet
*Feeling in "total" control when they eat the correct diet

Dr. Steven Bratman (pictured right) is the pioneer in this new phenomena, and coined the term "orthorexia nervosa." He knows that this eating disorder, like any other eating disorder, can be dangerous. One woman he was working with died of heart failure from an orthorexia-induced starvation.

So remember...

The new enemy:










The cure:










Eat junk food...because you don't want to die from orthorexia nervosa.

Actually, I think a certain someone could use a little dose of orthorexia:

The 'Lonely Gene?'

We know that many of our physical characteristics are inherited traits, such as our hair color or predisposition to heart disease. But how about personality traits? Can someone inherit the likelihood of being very outgoing and popular? Environment, I'm sure plays a huge part in the shaping of such attributes. Recently, researchers at the University of Chicago have found that people can inherit the predisposition to being lonely.

Researchers found that 50% of identical twins and 25% of fraternal twins shared this loneliness trait. They studied over 8,000 twins over a period of 14 years. Their findings showed a pretty strong correlation between sharing the same genes and environment and having feelings of being lonely.

"An interesting implication of this research is that feelings of loneliness may reflect an innate emotional response to stimulus conditions over which an individual may have little or no control," the research team writes in their article in the journal Behavior Genetics.

Why put so much study into loneliness? There's been a lot of research linking strong feelings of being lonely with physical illnesses such as coronary disease.

What about environment? What role does that play? "A caring environment can help lonely people overcome their feelings, but the research also shows that in some cases, the impact of heredity is stronger, said Cacioppo, a professor of Psychology at the University of Chicago.

They believe the trait of loneliness might have developed from early hunter gatherers being undernurished and not wanting to share food with the rest of the group. It was a case of having to survive famine - they learned to adapt by acting on feelings of anxiety, anti-social behavior, and distancing themselves from the rest - in order to get through the lean times.

I'm sure genetics plays a major role in setting the foundation for our personality traits, like loneliness. I also believe environment is crucial in shaping it. There are plenty of reasons people feel lonely. Some of them are things the lonely person DOES have some control over, however. Here are few, just off the top of my head:

Grumpy: Maybe you're just an angry cranky jackass. Anyone that tries to do something nice for you is sure to be subjected to a harsh look and some pretty mean-spirited words. Nothing makes you happy...except maybe watching others suffer. You are sadistic and take pleasure in making people cry. You're lonely because you are a mean person. You really deserve to be lonely, and you deserve having a flaming bag of dog poop flung onto your doorstep.

Bad habits: Perhaps you have flatulence issues or you pick your nose. Why would anyone want to hang around you? You're disgusting, and your behavior is that of a preschooler. No, I don't want to watch you roll up your booger into a ball and see how far you can flick it. I have no desire, and neither would anyone else. You'll never make friends.

Odorus Maximus: You stink. You wreak, you smell, you make my eyebrows fall out. No one wants to be around you because you smell bad. If you don't scrub your armpits while showering, all your doing is watering the nice stinky bacteria. Oh wait, you don't shower unless it's the 13th of that month. Maybe that's your problem. And no, just putting deodorant doesn't cut it. Now you smell like pine-sol mixed with ripe arm pit...put down that bottle of axe spray and get a shower - and then get another one, followed by another one. Scrub until you can't scrub no more.

Mouth Decay: Your mouth is a disgusting sesspool of bacteria. Gingivitis, severe hallitosis, and rotting teeth - that's why you're lonely. Everytime you open your mouth, it's like sticking your head into a sewer and taking a big whiff. With every word you say, you're releasing deadly gases into the atmosphere. Buy a toothbrush, some toothpaste, and Listerine. Brush your teeth for a week straight. You're lonely because no one wants to be around the smell of rotten eggs - especially when it's coming from someone's mouth.

Weirdo Geeko: You love Star Trek, maybe Lord of the Rings, and you are lonely because you are an alien among humans. You live in a fantasy world in order to avoid the real one. The computer is your best friend, and you chat online all the time to talk to your "friends" that wouldn't want anything to do with you if they were to meet you in person. You are anti-social and would rather worry about what costume to wear for the next sci-fi convention instead of how to get out and make some friends. Get your head out of the photon torpedo tube, and learn to socialize. If Mr. Sulu has the guts to finally confess he's gay, then you should have the guts to leave your parents' basement and talk to real people.


I wonder if sarcasm is an inherited trait as well...

The Little Phoenix Is Grounded

Little Phoenix's surgery went very well, although he was in pain immediately afterwards. When he started to come out of his deep sleep, he kept crying and said that he felt "weird." After downing three slushies, two bags of Teddy Grahms, and with some tylenol/codine, he started to feel much better.

Now comes the hard part - keeping him inactive for three weeks.

I've got a lot of work to catch-up on, but I'll get back to my regular posting by Saturday.

Again, thank you so much for all of your thoughts, prayers, and kind words. You all are really a bunch of fantastical people.

The Little Phoenix

And now for something completely different...

I present to you:

The Little Phoenix! Halloween 2005.

Things to note:


1)We worked on this project for a month. He wanted to be a Transformer, and they don't make Transformers costumes. Hasbro needs to get on the ball.

2)Yes, those are lights on his shoulders and on his back. They're actually small tap lights.

3)Those are laser cannons on his back, flanking the energon jetpack - they even have the laser burn marks on the muzzle of the cannons.

4)The symbol on Little Phoenix's chest signifies that he's an Autobot Transformer. The Decepticons are the bad guys.

5)I don't know if you can see it, but on his right hip, there's a little gadget with a speaker. I rigged a microphone/robot-voice changer to his robotic helmet. You should've heard him say, "Trick or Treat." The look on other kids' and parents' faces was golden.

Tomorrow (Thursday) The Little Phoenix goes in for surgery for an inguinal hernia. Poor guy. He's a little apprehensive, and when he had his consultation with the surgeon, Dr. Bell, I told him to ask the doctor any questions he had. Here are his five questions, pretty much verbatim:

Little Phoenix: Will it hurt? Will I be sore?
Dr. Bell: No, not at all. We have medicine you will take so it won't hurt.

Little Phoenix: Will I need a shot? Do I have to swallow a pill?
Dr. Bell: No, no shots or pills. You will drink some medicine that will make you feel a little goofy, and it will make you sleepy.

Little Phoenix: What does the drink taste like?
Dr. Bell: All of our children drink it, and they've never complained. So it must taste ok.

Little Phoenix: What does hospital food taste like?
Dr. Bell: Well, you won't be allowed to eat after the surgery for a while, so you probably won't be eating a full meal here in the hospital. But I hear it's pretty good.

Little Phoenix: Are you and Dr. Sterkel (his regular pediatrician) cousins?
Dr. Bell: Um, no...we are not cousins. Not that I know of anyway.


The surgery is pretty routine, and I'm sure all will go fine. It's a little scary. To be honest, the toughest part is going to be post-surgery. For 3 weeks after, my five year-old is not to engage in any sort of physical activity. No running, jumping, skipping, kicking, hopping...nothing! Lord grant me strength...

Maybe the doctor can give me some of that "relaxation medicine" so I can slip it into The Little Phoenix's chocolate milk.

The Science of Cow Tipping

It's a long-standing belief that if you sneak up on a cow while they're sleeping and push their big bodies on one side really hard, a cow will literally tip over. This is the drunken redneck game called "Cow Tipping." I have never seen anyone try it, but I've heard stories. Many guys have told me that they successfully tipped a cow by themselves. I'm a skeptic, and I've always had my doubts. These stories of such amazing achievement have always had one constant: the cow tipper in question is always drunk.

Is it really possible to push a 1400 pound cow over? If so, why the hell would anyone want to do such a thing?

Dr. Margo Lillie, zoologist for the University of British Columbia, and her student, Tracy Boechler, have decided to use real facts and good math to see if cow tipping is indeed possible.

Here are all the variables:

The Redneck: Take a 6 foot man, with the average horizontal push force of 656 newtons of force. He must be stealthy, and swift. I find this impossible, as the rednecks that partake in this activity are usually wasted.

The Cow: Average weight of a cow, 1400 pounds. Here's another misconception - cows don't sleep standing up, like horses do. If they're standing up, they're usually just taking a power nap. If the drunk redneck were to accidentally attempt to tip a bull...all hell would break loose and THAT would be fun to watch.

According to Dr. Lillie, to tip a cow that's 24.3 degrees relative to the ground, it would take 2910 newtons of force. That's too much force for one person, very possible with 4.3 people. Other calculations showed that's perhaps two strong people could do it, on a small cow, but only if the cow remained absolutely still and the drunk athletes exerted amazing force simultaneously. They did not allow for moonshine to enter their equation.

So for those rednecks and other morons out there wanting to try cow tipping, solid physics and math shows that while it's possible to do it...it will take a clear mind, a sharp push, and the ability to sneak up on a dozing cow. All these factors make it extremely tough to do. I highly recommend discontinuing the cow tipping efforts and focus on another more accessible sport.

Try Cow Chip Tossing. I hear it's all the rage in Oklahoma. The record, by the way, is held by Leland Searcy who chucked a chip 182 feet, 3 inches in 1979. Now that is talent.

Everywhere I look, it's Jesus Jesus Jesus

What is going on here? Why all these Jesus sightings lately?

Last week in Romania, Valeriu Junie, 66, claimed that the images of Jesus, flanked by apostles Peter and Paul, have appeared on his wooden wardrobe. These images are not new, according to Mr. Junie, as he first noticed them over a year ago:

"I turned on the light and saw the image of Jesus in the middle and those of St Peter and St Paul on the sides. I didn't say a word to anyone for a few weeks but then the images started to become clearer everyday. I decided to call the priests and since then lots of people come to my house to see the miracle."

The walnut wardrobe is about 50 years old, and doesn't show any signs of tampering. The local priest, Vasile Nuhaiu said: "It is a miracle when Saints reveal themselves to us mortals and I crossed myself and started to pray. I told the two old people they should fast and pray to those holy images."

Where there's a yin, there must be a yang...where there's good, there's evil. Maybe Valeriu should check to make sure the image of Satan didn't burn itself into the wood of his underwear and sock drawer.

In the last couple years, there has been an explosion of Jesus and other religious sightings reported all over the world. Are these true miracles? Or is there a logical explanation for all of these appearances?

Pareidolia is when we take in vague visual stimulus and allow our brains to try to 'make sense' of what we're seeing by creating an image that we are familiar with. Ever play "What's that cloud?" when you were a kid? A cloud really just looks like a big puff of water vapor, but our minds begin to look for something recognizable in that cloud. Pareidolia is the phenomena that's utilized in psychiatric work, namely the Rorschach ink blot test.

But you can't ignore the impact all these Jesus sighting are having on believers. And it seems to be happening more often. Just two months ago, there was a sighting of Jesus appearing on a hawthrone tree in West Sussex, England. Here's a quick run-down of just a few Jesus sightings:

Cleveland, Ohio: Paula Holmes discovered the face of Jesus from her daughter's ultrasound. This proud grandmother doesn't think it's just a visual-trick. She believes it's a sign. Either it's Jesus in there, or her granddaughter is a hermaphrodite.

Ontario, Canada: Fred Whan was cooking fishsticks, and found the image of Jesus forever burned into one of his planks. He's kept the fishstick safe and sound, frozen since 2003. Maybe he should check for disciples on his hush puppies.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania: Jeff Rigo claims this image of Jesus appeared on the wall of his shower. Jeff sold the section of the wall for $1,900 on E-Bay.Apparently, Jesus doesn't mind mold and mildew.
And the top Jesus sighting is...

Lincoln, Nebraska: jmk3291 tried to get on the E-bay bandwagon after a grilled cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary was sold for $28,000. He said finding Jesus' image seared into his grilled ham and cheese sandwich changed his life forever. He said he was a heavy drinker, and quit cold turkey...um...I mean ham...after his discovery.

I think I've found my ticket to saving for retirement...here's my effort to create Jesus toast!

Chip's Weapons Shack

Howdy, folks. Welcome to Chip's Weapons Shack...the home of the weapons of tomorrow...you can buy today!

Here at Chip's Weapons Shack, we guarantee to bring you the bleeding edge technology you deserve, the most modern weapons - and all for a bargin price. Whether you're a hunter or are lookin' to scare the bejesus out of your annoying neighbor, we have the weapon for you.

Take a lookie here at our newest, most sought after products:

The PHaSR...Personnel Halting and Stimulation Response rifle. My cousin Billy Bob was able to smuggle a couple prototypes out of the Human Effectiveness Directorate at Brooks City Base, Texas. These beauties just debuted last week. He was gonna do a demo here tomorrow afternoon, but Billy Bob is layin' low right now in an undisclosed location in Tijuana. (There he is pictured at right, crossin' the border and showin' off his Grav-Magna Rifle).

The PHaSR is a piece of modern ass-whipping weaponry. It uses a two-wavelength laser system. Basically, the rifle emits a laser that "impairs aggressors by illuminating or "dazzling" individuals, removing their ability to see the laser source." For our non-technical customers out there, go to a grocery store with those laser scannin' machines at the checkout. Bend over, stick your face into the beam of the laser, and open your eyes really wide. It'll sting, and you might just cause permanent damage to your retinas...but it's fun!

Oh man, the PHaSR would be a great addition to your futuristic weapons arsenal. Also, I highly recommend you also check out our other guns, such as our photon blaster, laser cannon with matching tripod, and sonic wave cannon.

For example, my neighbor, Billy Joe, bought his kid the new anti-matter cannon for his birthday. You can bet Billy Joe Jr. ain't gettin' bullied anymore at school.

Here's my niece and her brand new tachion blaster rifle we got for her makin' parole. Ain't she cute? She's able to both catch and fry the fish, all with the pull of a trigger.

We also got some great imports from those crazy Chinese. You know how those Chinese love to create all those hybrid inventions, like fax machine foot massager dish washers. Check out the new Chinese-Swiss Army laser gun. You can blast rabbits into piles of ash, and then open a can of pork-n-beans. Those crazy Chinese!
Finally, we are expectin' our first shipments of lightsabers next week. That's right, lightsabers! Now YOU can pretend to be a Jedi and slice through your enemies' limbs like butter with your own authentic lightsaber. Imagine the look on some mugger's face when you whip out a lightsaber and cut off his "nuts and bolts" with ease.

So come 'on down to Chip's Weapons Shack, and if you pay with cash, we'll throw in a pack of plasma grenades!

Imagine the family fun you could have with the weapons of tomorrow...today!