Funny Science of 2005

It was a great year for science in 2005, and of course there were a few stories I just didn't get to. So now's a great time for me to end the year with a handful of funny science news that never made it to The Phoenix.

Shattering Spaghetti (September) French physicists have found why uncooked spaghetti can break into three, seven or even ten pieces, but rarely two. It's because of elastic waves travelling along the pasta when dry spaghetti is bent and suddenly released at one end. Try it at home. uncooked spaghetti will almost never break in just two pieces. Leave it to the French to do such useful scientific research! Actually, the researchers think their findings can be applied to civil engineering to make structures like buildings and bridges more stable. The French will begin construction of buildings made from uncooked spaghetti by June of 2006.

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Superman in Serbia (August) Serbian authorities are bombarded with reports of a real-life Superman after people claimed to have seen a cloaked figure flying over their houses.
Hundreds of residents in Ljubovija described seeing a cloaked person flying above buildings. One local said: "It was like something out of Superman or Batman. No one has any rational explanation for what we all saw." There haven't been any official conclusions to these reports, but I suspect vodka is somehow related.

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Menstruating Boy (June) A Kolkata, India doctor reports that a teenage boy patient of his has been showing symptoms of menstruation. The 15-year-old 'effeminate' boy's bleeding has been occurring in the second week of every month and lasts three days. During the period he experiences stomach aches, cramps, nausea and mood swings. "We examined the boy. Though he has male organs, his behaviour and traits are like a woman," said physician Sudip Mondal.
Question - where does the boy put the tampon?

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Spontaneous Toad Combusion (April) Toads were exploding in Germany for weeks. According to reports from animal welfare workers and veterinarians as many as a thousand of the amphibians had perished after their bodies swelled to bursting point and their entrails were propelled for up to a yard or two. According to Werner Smolnik of a nature protection society in Hamburg: "You see the animals crawling on the ground, swelling and then exploding." Scientists finally concluded that crows were to blame, as they learned to peck out a toad's liver. The toad expands, but there's a hole near his abdominal cavity, and the blood vessels and lungs explode. In a related story, Hamburg residents report crows unable to fly because of their fat bellies.

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Heart to Heart (February) Heart recipients report strange occurances after surgery. Bill Wohl was a Type-A, overweight, money-obsessed businessman pursuing a jet-setter life - until five years ago, when he got a new heart at Arizona's UMC. Today, at age 58, he works part time and spends most of his new-found energy winning speed and performance medals in swimming, cycling and track. Bill also started charitable foundation. And he surprises himself by crying when he hears Sade, a singer he'd never heard of. When Bill was able to contact the family of his heart donor, he learned his donor was Michael Brady - a stuntman for Universal Studios. Brady was climbing a ladder on top of a train when he fell and died instantly. Brady's parents wrote to Wohl, noting their son had done volunteer work with children and AIDS patients in California. Brady's brother also said the stuntman was a big Sade fan. Twilight zone music playing...

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Sarcastic Brain (May) Scientists say they have located the parts of the brain that comprehend sarcasm. They found the front of the brain was key to understanding sarcasm. Apparently, my 10th grade chemistry teacher had damage to the front part of his brain. An area called the right ventromedial prefrontal cortex then integrates the literal meaning with the social/emotional context, which will reveal any sarcasm. It seems to me that bloggers have the strongest right ventromedial prefrontal cortexes in the world.

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Have a wonderful and safe New Year's everybody. Don't forget to add your extra one second to your New Year's countdown.

Didgeridoo to the Rescue!

Did you know in a study of over 5000 couples dealing with snoring, 80% of them will end up sleeping in separate bedrooms?!

There may be some hope yet for those suffering from this epidemic.

A recent Swiss study has found one possible cure for snoring...the didgeridoo!

What is a didgeridoo? It's an ancient musical instrument, native to Northern Austrailia's aboriginal people. It's made from tree limbs or trunks and hollowed out. The didgeridoo player blows into the instrument, and it produces this rhythmic low-pitched buzzing sound. If you've seen the movie "Crocodile Dundee," you would probably remember the sound of the didgeridoo playing constantly in the background, just to remind us that Paul's Hogan's character is indeed from Austrailia. Interestingly, the didgeridoo plays only one note. Click here to listen to a sample of a didgeridoo (mp3 format).

So what was the Swiss study?

The researchers examined 25 patients who suffered from snoring and moderate sleep apnoea to scientifically assess what impact didgeridoo playing would have on them. Half the group were given daily lessons in playing the Austrailian instrument. After being taught how to place their lips over the instrument and produce a keynote for 20 to 30 seconds, they learned the art of circular breathing. Circular breathing is a technique of inhaling through the nose while maintaining airflow through the instrument, using the cheeks as bellows. It's the same technique jazz musicians utilize while playing the trumpet. The participants had to practice at home for at least 20 minutes on at least five days a week.

I assume getting half nekkid and wearing body paint wasn't part of the didgeridoo experience.

Over a four-month trial period, participants noticed a significant improvement in their daytime sleepiness and sleep apnea. And their partners also reported less disturbance from snoring. The researchers say training the upper airways through the breathing techniques required to play the didgeridoo was behind the improvement.

"Our results may give hope to many people with moderate obstructive sleep apnea syndrome and snoring, as well as their partners," the report's authors said, whose research is being published in the British Medical Journal.

It's an interesting study, and perhaps similar exercises and circular breathing techniques can be developed and employed to help those with snoring and obstructive sleep apnea problems. I've heard rumors that these brillant Swiss researches are working on a new project for 2006:


Playing the Contrabass may help cure erectile dysfunction.

The Scent of an Elephant

Thanks goes to Criminally Stoopid blogger, Siren Song for this story idea.

Go Dumbo, it's your birthday...go Dumbo, it's your birthday...

It seems female Asian elephants strongly prefer the smell of a more experienced, older male. According to brand new research by scientists of the Oregon Health and Scinces University, when males enter their period of heightened aggressiveness and sexual activity (called musth), they release a cocktail of pheromones to attract the ladies.

"This study reveals the precision and specificity of inter-animal signaling possible," co-author Dr. L.E.L. "Bets" Rasmussen (pictured right), research professor of environmental and biomolecular systems, OHSU OGI School of Science & Engineering, said of the study published in the Dec. 22 edition of the journal Nature. "This is the first example, in mammals, of the use of this very precise signaling and ratio of enantiomers in signaling."

An enantiomer is one of a pair of chemical compounds whose molecular structures are mirror images of each other. Frontalin, a pheromone discharged during musth by male Asian elephants from a temporal gland located between the eye and ear, comes in two forms, each representing one half of the enantiomer pair and identified as either "plus" or "minus."

Adolescent males release more of the "plus" pheromone, adding more "minus" frontalin to the mixture as they age. When Asian males reach 20 years old, they make a perfectly balanced 1:1 ratio of the plus/minus pheromone...and it drives the females wild!

Researches examined ovulating females, and females that were either pregnant or in a non-reproductive "luteal" phase. They also tested young and old males. It found that low concentrations of frontalin, represented when the enantiomer ratio is more "plus" than "minus," was of mild interest to both young and old males, but when the ratio became balanced - equal amounts of plus and minus frontalin - males of all ages, as well as luteal-phase and pregnant females, were repulsed. Only ovulating females were attracted. Yeah baby! The study's results indicate that the ratio of frontalin enantiomers allows other elephants to distinguish both the maturity of male elephants in musth and the phase of musth. To humans, the balanced pheromone isn't so great. Imagine the smell of damp old socks with a hint of ripe ass.

How is this research beneficial? Research on sexual communication among elephants not only sheds light on animal behavior, but also may prove useful for "facilitating mating in livestock, horses, dogs [and other animals] by using odors for the arousal of males at appropriate times in the female cycle," Prestwich of OHSU says. The research contributes to "understanding the basic elements of odor perception in all animals, including humans," he adds.

Rasmussen says that by studying elephants, researchers can better understand how mammals in general utilize sex-attractant pheromones that affect behavior. In Asia, elephants are nortorious for raiding rice crops. Perhaps they will someday be able to devise a method of repelling elephants and prevent crop-raiding.

Also, elephants have matriarchal, multigenerational, stable societies in which 'cultural' information is passed from great-grandmothers to youngsters. Anthropologists and human behaviorists are interested in how elephants and other animals manage their societies so effectively and smoothly.

In the Asian elephant society, it seems the more mature man gets the girl.

Can this information be applied to humans? The study of human pheromones is really in it's infancy, but already we are just beginning to learn how pheromones dictate whom we are attracted to. As far as older male humans getting the girl, I'm not so sure. I think human society is different.

I just don't think the scent of an old man makes women swoon. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the smell of Old Spice mixed with Ben Gay and chili is NOT going to attract the ladies.

The Phoenix's Christmas Gift Picks

It's that time of year, and perhaps you've got some last minute gifts to get for your loved ones. Here are just a few unique, interesting, useful, and useless inventions and gadgets that probably isn't on anyone's wishlist.



P-Mate
I'm sure it's every woman's dream to be able to pee standing up. The P-mate allows you ladies to do just that! This is not a really new invention, as Europeans have been using a version of this for years. It's just coming to America this year, and just think...now females can pee their name into the snow this holiday season too.

Nuke Alert
This is no ordinary keychain. After a nuclear or dirty bomb explodes, you want to make sure you're safe from harmful radiation, right? This keychain can alert you to the radiation level in your environment by utilizing a series of chirps to tell you just how dangerous it is. Just make sure not to bring the Nuke Alert with you to Christmas dinner, as the high concentration of methane might set this thing off.

The PetsCell
It's exactly what it sounds like - a cell phone for your dog. You feel guilty spending so much time at work, away from your best friend? You can call your dog's cell phone number, and have an actualy conversation with your doggie. Isn't that great? You can also spy on Fido. If he's destroying your furniture, you can listen firsthand to the sound of ripping upholstry.

Clocky
Are you like me and have this uncanny ability to strike the snooze button and fall right back into the heavenly abiss called deep sleep...only to find that you've been rapid firing on the snooze 12 times and you're now an hour late for work? Clocky is for you. When clocky's alarm loudly beeps you awake, it suddenly takes off - doing a 'Dukes of Hazzard' leap off your nightstand, and then careens across the room on off-road wheels. You're forced to get your lazy ass out of bed to turn this demon-on-wheels off. I think Clockly looks like a giant loaf of bread with wheels.

Rorshock
Faithful readers of 'The Phoenix' know how interested I am in psychology. Now you too can take psycho-analysis wherever you go. Imagine what a wonderful holiday you could have - big dinner, exchange of presents, and then do Rorchach Ink Blot Personality Tests with the family! What a great way to uncover why Daddy ignores you and why Mommy hates how pretty you are. Move over Freud!

Magneurol6-S
Don't you wish you had telepathy? Don't you wish you were psychic? For those that are not born with the gift of psychic power, now you can have it. Taking this pill will "open the door to your 6th sense." Scientists have found that in animals that have uncanny sensory abilities (i.e. dolphins, homing pigeons), they had a high concentration of micro-bits of magnetite in their bodies. By taking Magneurol6-S, you will increase the levels of magnetite crystals in your body, and thereby make you more senstive to the extraordinary powers of the Earth's electromagnetic forces.

And finally...

The SmartKlamp
The future of delicate surgery is nanotechnology and robotics. Robots controlled by surgeons are beginning to perform procedures, and it seems the future of medicine is robotics. Here's another quantum leap in robotic surgery...the SmartKlamp! Why have a regular doctor or trained rabbi do your circumcision when the SmartKlamp can easily do it for you - with amazing precision and speed. Whether it's a religious purpose or some of you guys out there are tired of your "hood," the SmartKlamp is for you. There is a big market for this product, and I'm sure boys will have no problem sticking their penis inside a plastic tube filled with knives.

Merry Christmas! To those serving our country overseas and their families, may you find yourselves in the arms of your loved ones very very soon.

Best wishes, from The

Luck Be A Lady, Tonight...I Hope

The Journal of Gambling Studies will publish research by Drake University psychology professors that suggests the more mental mistakes gamblers make, the more they bet. In other words, gamblers are often raising the stakes when they really should be taking their money, going home, and paying their mortgage.

Professors W. Scott Wood and Maria Clapham say the two most common cognitive errors are the belief that the player possesses some sort of control over games of chance by their skills or through superstitious influence.

Wood said, "The first belief is an illusion of control. For example, they may believe that if they watch slots closely and see one lose over and over then the machine is 'due' for a payout." Also, the more "skill" the gambler believed was involved, the more the gambler is apt to bet, and continue betting.

In Ellen Langer's "Illusion of Control" study, they noticed gamblers would roll the dice really hard if they needed a high number, and rolled the dice softer if they need a low number. All of these behaviors border on idiotic, and how you throw the dice has nothing to do with the outcome. It's pure probability, but the gambler has this need to feel they have control, and they often believe they have that control.

The Illusion of Control phenomenon is supported by a well known group of misconceptions called The Gambler's Fallacy:

A random event is more likely to occur because it has not happened for a period of time;
A random event is less likely to occur because it has not happened for a period of time;
A random event is more likely to occur because it recently happened; and
A random event is less likely to occur because it recently happened.

Take the coin toss for example, if heads comes up 4 times in a row, people are apt to say, "Tails" because tails is due. This is incorrect, as coin tosses - like gambling - is based on only one thing...probability. Probability, like any math, doesn't bend for anybody. Even if "Daddy needs a new pair of shoes." If the coin comes up heads 100 times in a row, the probablility of it being tails on the next flip is still going to be 50/50.

The second cognitive error is superstition, Wood said. This is a belief that has to do with how lucky you are. Some call it "magical thinking," mojo, karma, or just plain luck. A wiseman once said, "In my experience, there's no such thing as luck" - Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Superstition is a strange thing to discuss, as it makes no sense, yet people hang onto these illogical beliefs. In some forms, the belief you are lucky is a good thing, as it's a form of positive thinking - and there is a correlation between people who feel good fortune continually is bestowed upon them and real success in life.

But when it comes to gambling, there are a couple things to keep in mind:

1) You do NOT have control over the outcome in games of chance, and luck won't make you a winner. It's all based on probability (some games, like Poker, have an element of skill involved). If you win at roulette, for example, the laws of probability say that it was bound to land on Red 33 sometime, and you just happened to have your chips in the "right place at the right time."

2) Overall, the House always wins. The more you play, odds are the more you're going to lose. It's funny how people kid themselves with this fact. You think the House doesn't do well? How do you think the Bellagio paid for that single $500,000 chandelier? Or how do you think Caesar's Palace was able to afford that incredible fountain? It's all built by the gamblers that have paid the price.

3) Numerous studies have shown that there is a correlation between problems in brain chemistry and problems with gambling. "A monetary reward in a gambling-like experiment produces brain activation very similar to that observed in a cocaine addict receiving an infusion of cocaine,” reports Dr. Hans Breiter, MD, Motivation and Emotion Neuroscience Center in the Department of Radiology at Massachusetts General Hospital. Addiction to drugs, food, sex, and gambling all have extremely similar natures, and science is working to discover in detail how all this works and how to help those with addictions.

If you're not addicted to gambling, you'll probably still cling onto one of these cognitive errors anyway. And if you ARE addicted, you're not paying attention to any of this anyway. However, I am one of those that still clings on to the belief in luck, and for those fellow superstitious people out there, here's a list of lucky charms that just might help you win big. Good luck!

From The Gambler's Luck:

alligator tooth
alligator foot
badger tooth
chamomile hand wash
five-finger grass
four-leaf clover
horseshoe
horseshoe plastic key ring from Mexico
Hoyt's Cologne
John the Conqueror root
lodestone
magnetic sand
mojo bag containg gambler's lucky charms
money bag
money bags on an American charm bracelet
rabbit foot
raccoon penis bone
skull figural candle
skull as gambler's lucky charm
silver dime
slot machine key ring charm

Darnit, I seemed to have misplaced my lucky racoon penis bone.

Insane Video Game in the Membrane

A brain mechanism that links violent video games with aggression has been discovered recently, and now researches are working to see if there's a true relationship between this newly found brain phenomena and violent video games.

Bruce Bartholow (pictured right) and colleagues from the University of Missouri-Columbia have found that people who play violent video games show diminished brain responses to images of real-life violence. Interestingly, participants seemed to only become desensitized to images of true violence, but not other emotionally-charged images such as pictures of dying children.

The brain mechanism is being called the P300 response. It's a measureable signal seen in an EEG (electroencephalogram). "The P300 reflects an evaluation of the emotional content of an image," says Bartholow, "being larger if people are surprised or disturbed by an image."

The study:
The team recruited 39 experienced gamers of varying violent gaming experience. They then showed participants real-life images. Most of these images were considered "control" or neutral images such as a tree. But every once in awhile, researchers inserted violent and negative (but non-violent) scenes, while recording their EEGs.

Scientists found the P300 response within the individuals with the most experience with violent games was smaller and delayed. “People who play a lot of violent video games didn’t see them as much different from neutral,” says Bartholow. They had become desensitised, it seems. That's pretty chilling - the EEG readings when showing a frog on a log and some woman getting her head whacked off were pretty identical??? Wowzers. However, their responses were normal for the negative but non-violent scenes.

“As far as I’m aware, this is the first study to show that exposure to violent games has effects on the brain that predict aggressive behavior,” says Bartholow.

There have been many studies showing that people who play violent video games are more aggressive, more likely to commit violent crimes, and less likely to help others. Does Bartholow's study show this as well? Not really. However, it's a step towards showing a correlation between violent video games and real-life violent tendencies. However, could it be that all the other studies only prove that violent people gravitate towards violent games, not that games can change behavior?

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Modern technology has made video gaming so lifelike, however. More studies will be working to either prove or disprove that these very real games make people more violent. Back in the old days, our video games seem very tame and quite safe for kids. However, upon a closer inspection, perhaps even old school classics could bring out the violent tendencies of any gamer.

Pong: This game is downright ancient. Think about it, though. You've got two little sticks, and only one can win. This little ball is zooming around the screen, and you have to get your "paddle" to deflect the ball. You let the ball go past you, you've lost a point. I remember my palms getting sweaty...heart beat racing when playing pong. This might not be direct violence, per se, but it's a precursor to the future generations of excitement and competition in the video gaming world. This is violent video gaming in its infancy, I tell you!

Donky Kong: Here, you are Mario (an everyday plumber) and you are trying to save Pauline from the evil clutches of Donky Kong, a giant zoo escapee. You run up these different levels while jumping over barrels Donky Kong is hurling towards you. That's pretty violent, wouldn't you say? The barrels smash Mario, or if you do manage to make it to the top, Donky Kong just snatches Pauline and has his way with her, so you've got sexual assault. Geez, what was Nintendo thinking?

Pac-Man: This game seemed innocent enough back in the day - it even spawned a song "Pac-Man Fever" and a Saturday morning cartoon. Here, you are pacman, a big yellow mouth. Your job is to swallow as many pills as you can. Obviously, this game was trying to teach us that taking drugs is good. While you're trying to down as many prescription pills as possible, you've got these four ghosts trying to catch you. The four ghosts are Blinky, Pinky, Inkey, and of course, Clyde. They catch you, they will eat you up. You happen to swallow a super pill, you can eat them up. I'm seeing a cannibalistic message here.

Oh the hummanity!

The Science of Bats and Balls

A study by Dr. Scot Pitnick of Syracruse University has revealed that bats with bigger brains have smaller testicles than bats with small brains.

Isn't science fascinating?

Depending on any of the 300+ species of bats, testicle size in relation to total body weight varies. Testicles can comprise of .12% of body weight, up to a whopping 8.4% of body mass (yellow winged bat). How much wing power is needed to lug those cohones around? Ouch. In comparison, primate testicles only make up between .02% - .75% of total body mass.

Aren't you glad you're reading my blog today?

Here's what Dr. Pitnick (pictured left) and the others found: Bat species where the females were promiscuous, the males had evolved larger testes but had small brains. In species where the females were monogamous, the situation was reversed. Isn't that interesting? The bigger the nuggets, the smaller the noggins.

So why is this true?

Brain tissue and sexual organs require a lot of metabolic energy to produce and maintain. The different species appear to have evolved a preference for developing one organ more than the other, depending on which will help them produce more offspring. This does make sense. If the female is promiscuous, male bats will have to produce more sperm in order to compete with other male bats. It's one big competition to fertilize the female's egg. “And this may be especially true in some species of bats where the females store sperm for several months,” reports Dr. Pitnick.

So what about the monogamous bats? Pitnick and his colleagues had erroneously predicted that in a species with promiscuous females, males would require bigger brains in order avoid being cuckolded. They were surprised to find the opposite was true. Does having a bigger brain help the monogamous bat produce more offspring with his female companion? Maybe.

Perhaps being faithful just takes more brainpower.

This study is bad news for perhaps the smartest bat in the entire universe...

Holy tiny testicles, Batman!

"Talk to me Goose, talk to me!"

Rat brains fly jet!

Alright, not really...but almost, sort of.

Thomas DeMarse, 37, an assistant professor of biomedical engineering at the University of Florida, has been working on training Petri dish-grown rat brains to fly an F-22 fighter jet simulator.

WHAT???

DeMarse and his fellow university scientists first grew a rat brain by extracting neurons from a rat embryo. The neurons then mulitply, and voila, soon you have 25,000 neural cells ready to take on Iceman and win the Top Gun competition, right? Not quite. They keep the rat neurons in a Petri dish with special liquid to keep the neurons alive. Soon, the neurons clump together, form neural networks, and become a real working mini-brain.

The 25,000 cells are on top of a grid of 60 electrodes inside the dish. "These electrodes allow us to literally listen to the 'conversations' among the neurons to find out how they are computing," DeMarse said (pictured right with one of his rat brain dishes). "By sending in [electronic] pulses to each electrode, we can also stimulate the network in 60 different locations."

DeMarse then connected the rat brain to a jet flight simulator via the electrode grid and a regular 'ol desktop computer. They activated the brain, turned on the flight simulator, and let the rat noggin do the rest. I feel the need for speed! And some cheese!

How well did the brain do?

"When we first hooked them up, the plane 'crashed' all the time," Dr DeMarse said. "But over time, the neural network slowly adapts as the brain learns to control the pitch and roll of the aircraft. After a while, it produces a nice straight and level trajectory." The brain even learned how to keep the jet fighter straight in mock hurricane force winds.

Does this freak anybody else out???

So what's the purpose of such experiements? Are we going to crush Iran with a squad of rat brains or something?

"We're hoping to find out exactly how the neurons do what they do and extract those rules and apply them in software or hardware for novel types of computing," DeMarse said. In other words, this research could possibly lead to the creation of sophisticated, real thinking computers. Imagine - a computer that could actually think, be creative, and be flexible enough to figure out more complex and open-ended problems. Even the most powerful computer lacking the ability to "think outside the box" wouldn't know the differnce between a dog or a cat if it had no previous knowledge of either. Giving a computer a "biological" component would enable it to figure it out. This type of thinking is what we humans take for granted, but it's currently impossible for a computer to do.

Of course the research has military implications. One day, they could install living computers in unmanned aircraft so they can be deployed on missions too dangerous for humans. This work also has medical breakthrough potential as well. Studying the nature of neurons might provide the basis for developing new drugs to treat brain diseases such as epilepsy.

The U.S. National Science Foundation has awarded DeMarse and his group a $500,000 grant to produce a mathematical model of how the neurons compute, and the U.S. National Institute of Health is financing research into epilepsy.

I see a lot of potential benefits from this research, but I can't help but wonder about the inherent risks involved. What if we take the next step and see if lab-grown brains can fly a real jet? I think that would be very dangerous. It could put thousands of pilots out of a job. What about the creation of thinking and self-aware computers? They could enslave humankind and take over the world! OK, sorry...I must be paranoid.

How dangerous could self-aware, living computers be? Seems harmless to me.

Or maybe not...

all naatural poweerful ereeeeectioooons

The title above is an actual subject on one of my spam e-mails from October 23, 2005.

There are over 40 billion e-mails exchanged around the world in one day, and around 40% of that is spam. That's a whole lotta spam. Who falls for this crap anyway?

Apparently, a lot of men are falling for these kinds of advertising. Sales of Longitude, penis enlargement pills often advertised on the internet and television a couple years ago, were up around $80 million in 2003. That's a lot of pills, that's a lot of money, and that's a lot of disappointed and short-changed men (pun intended).

And you still see advertisements in other mediums including television and magazines. Everyone knows about that stupid smiling Bob that goes around impressing neighbors, losing his shorts in the pool, and hitting the golf ball further than everyone because of his newfound confidence. Enzyte, made by Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals Incorporated, originally was advertising that it would increase your penis size by 41%.

David Parker, of Sydney Austrailia, had a filed a class action lawsuit against the makers of Enzyte last year. "Mr Parker took Enzyte for the directed eight-month period, but "experienced no increase", the lawsuit stated. "Mr Parker went to get his double-your-money-back offer, and they said it was no longer in effect. The lawsuit states that "Berkeley's failure to honour its 'double your money back' guarantee was deceptive, unconscionable, and fraudulent."

Products like Longitude and Enzyte contain natural herbs and suppliments - many of them believed to increase penis power. Things like ginseng root, ginko biloba, saw palmetto, and maca are believed to have been used as sexual enchancements for centuries.

True, many of the ingredients are showing promise in helping men's health in certain areas. But again, is there the right quantity in the bottle to help? Is it the right quality to help? Is it safe?

Many of these pills say they help increase blood flow to the penis. OK...that's what Viagra does. But it doesn't permanently make your penis bigger. "It makes no sense medically," according to urologist Kenneth Goldberg from Dallas. "There's no way that increasing blood flow to the penis, as Enzyte claims to do, will actually increase its size."

With the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act of 1994, the FDA's ability to require information on adverse drugs reactions and tests for safety and efficacy for these suppliments is non-existent. In other words, those vitamins you're taking have NOT had to meet any real standards at all.

It's really about making money and selling dreams. "You've got an industry that just can invent something, grind up some root, put it in a bottle, [and] sell it," said Dr. Sydney Wolfe, author of Best Pills, Worst Pills. When you have a company spending over $1 million per month on advertising, it's easy to see where their resources are going.

With Enzyte, you'll pay nearly $100 for 60 capsules. Longitude was around $60 a bottle, but cost only $2.50 per bottle to manufacture! Talk about money-maker.

What's the solution?

How about trashing all those stupid spam e-mails? These products prey on a man's obsession with having a bigger penis. It's that simple. They hit on men's insecurties. Couple that with performance anxiety and inferiority complexes, you've got a ton of guys willing to pay a lot of money for a "miracle pill."

Here's a list of some things that do not, may not, might, or do help male sexual health:

1)Various exercise techniques, often called "Jelq" or "Jojido" exercises. This is based on the premise that if you crank your yank in various ways, you'll strengthen the penis and it will grow. This is a bunch of hogwash. After pressing, pulling, and yanking, and tearing, all you're going to get is a sore and inflammed member. Now STOP it!

2)Lose weight. Being overweight will make your unit look smaller. High blood pressure also negatively affects erections.

3)Pumps. Ouch! Pumps don't make you bigger permanently. And you could hurt yourself, Hoover-boy!

4)Viagra/Cailis. Do NOT buy this stuff via internet or spam. You do not know what you're getting.

5)Surgery. Side effects include scarring and loss of function. Plus, with the injections, you might end up with a lumpy looking penis. Um, no thanks.

6)Using weights. Again, ouch! Stretching the tunica albuginea is dangerous. Plus, it will probably really really hurt. What if you break it?

7)Proper, safe, proven suppliments. "Nature's Viagra." Make sure to get them from a reputable source that follows the United States Pharmacoepia standards. These helpful suppliments are:

Horny goatweed - wow, this stuff actually makes you horny
Niacin - B3 also lowers bad cholestorol and increases the good stuff.
Omega-3 fatty acids - does a body good
Pycnogenol and L-arginine - Batman and Robin of good penis health.
Pycnogeonol is an antioxidant and helps with blood circulation. L-arginine has been known to help with erection duration and quality.
OPCs - oligomeric proanthocyanidins (phew!). Powerful antioxidant and blood vessel protector. (By the way, I take these every single day).

8)Getting the right information. Dr. Steven Lamm is an expert in this field, and his book, The Hardness Factor, cuts through all the bull and gives men the facts - and a step by step plan to increase sexual fitness.

PT Barnum said, "There's a sucker born every minute." Don't be a sucker. BUYER BEWARE! So trash that spam, remove that heavy weight you've tied to your unit, and go find some horny goat weed! Then go to a mirror and say, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and I'm HARD enough. And doggone it, people like me!"

* * * *
*Thanks goes out to Todd The Turtle for the idea to post about this topic. Thanks for the e-mail back in October that lead to my research.

Who is The Phoenix?

The motivation for me creating this blog was to both inform and entertain. Personally, it's me just getting back to writing for an audience. For those that regularly come here, I want to thank you for making this such a wonderful experience. One thing this blog is not, however, is a personal journal.

Many of you are curious about me and I've been tagged at least a dozen times. I apologize for not participating, but because of the nature of this blog, you won't see me indulging online. However, I would like to share just a few random things about myself to satisfy your curiosity. I hope the following gives you a better idea about the kind of person I am, and at the same time allow me to maintain my comfort level of privacy. Or maybe you're not curious and you wish for me to get back to my regular posts...if that's the case, I apologize and urge you to return in a couple days.

1) I was born in the Bronx. I share my birthday with Alyssa Milano, Kristy Swanson (the original Buffy), Reggie White (ex-Packers lineman), Jake Plummer (Broncos quarterback), Warren Sapp (Raiders tackle), Daryl Hannah, and Tim Reid (played 'Venus Flytrap' on WKRP in Cincinnati).

2) I was a high school English teacher for five years. I taught 9th and 10th grade. Overall, it was a great experience, but I couldn't stand being in one room all day long. My problems were never with the kids, just their parents.

3) I received a Division I athletic scholarship for tennis. I played one year and decided that college tennis sucked. My fellow teammates were egomaniacs, and my coach was always breaking NCAA rules. The men's program folded less than two years later, so no blood on my hands.

4) I love Star Wars. George Lucas' masterpiece takes me back to childhood. I've passed my love for all things Star Wars to my 5 year old son, Little Phoenix. He's been known to hum the Emperial March song when we're out.

5) Seafood makes me sick. However I love chocolate, Gummi Coke bottles, french fries, and warm chocolate chip cookies - not all at once of course. That's gross.

6) I am neither Republican or a Democrat. It seems that I do lean to the right a little bit, but that may be because my right leg is shorter than my left. OK, that's not true, although I do believe my right foot is slightly bigger than my left.

7) I have great admiration for those that play musical instruments. I did take up the clarinet in grade school, but quit in the 6th grade after the band teacher made me uncomfortable.

8) My parents are immigrants from the Philippines, so many people would say that I'm Filipino-American. That's fine with me. But if anyone asks me what my nationality is, I always say "American." If the Philippines went to war, I wouldn't go over there and take up arms. But if America was attacked, I would die defending her.

9) I have written two complete novels in my lifetime, each around 500 pages. I wrote them in college, and I really have no idea where the hell I put them.

10) On the Myers-Briggs Personality test, I am an ENFJ. With the Keirsey Temperament tests, I am a Teacher Idealist. I also have a nack for eidetic imagery, a.k.a. "photographic memory."

11) In college, I was a Sigma Nu.

12) In high school, I was a big slacker. I never really tried very hard and I was more interested in after school activities and socializing. In college, however, I became studious and graduated magna cum laude. Amazing what paying for your own schooling will do.

13) I was near death in 2002. Maybe someday I'll write about it, I don't know. I don't even talk about it.

14) I'm very competitive, and I am a terrible loser. From ping pong to air hockey, I play to win. You wanna piece 'a me???

15) I also have a great admiration for those that write poetry. I cannot do it, nor will I ever. Anything I write always ends up a minimum of 50 pages.

16) Superman is my favorite superhero, and I still wear Superman shirts. I own four of them...actually I own five but my Superman baseball raglan got put in with the reds and now it's pink. I'm not wearing a pink Superman shirt.

17) I can do a few impressions. I do a wonderful Ernie from Sesame Street, Shaggy and Scooby Doo, Adam Sandler (particularly from The Water Boy, The Turkey Song, and Hanukkah Song), and the stereotypical Middle Eastern man working at 7-11.

18) I was raised Catholic, although I'm more spiritual than religious.

19) My most memorable Christmas present was from Santa, and it was a chess set. It had the typical black and white board, but the chess pieces were translucent white and blue plastic. I have no idea why thinking about that chess set evokes such feelings of satisfaction, as I don't like chess at all. It's my earliest Christmas memory, and I think I was 5 years old.

20) My very first kiss was in the 1st grade and her name was Liana. Unfortunately, I also lived on a street named Liana. So when I told all my neighborhood buddies about it, they all thought I was so full of it.

"You're Glib!" The Science of Scientology

Tom Cruise has been making headlines lately with his bizarre behavior, more bizarre romance with Kate Holmes, and his outspokeness concerning his religion of Scientology. What exactly is Scientology? And who is this L. Ron Hubbard guy? What is Dianetics?

L. Ron Hubbard was a science fiction writer and wrote many stories from 1930-1950s. He didn't make much money, only one penny per word. He was a college drop out and when World War II came, he went into the Navy. His service in the Navy has been one point of controversy. The Church of Scientology claims that Hubbard was a war hero. Others believe Hubbard was an over-confident wannabe and was dangerous. While in charge of a PC-814 subchaser, he supposedly bombed a Mexican island as a means to get some gunning practice. Oops, the island off of Baja California was quite inhabited, and Hubbard was stripped of his command.

Hubbard was married and had two children, but that whole relationship is even more bizarre than his Navy tenure. He abandoned them and then later denied even knowing them.
Hubbard married a second woman named Sara Northrup, but she divorced him when she found out Hubbard was still married to his first wife. Sara also accused Hubbard of kidnapping their baby daughter, Alexis, and conducting "systematic torture, beatings, strangulations and scientific torture experiments." Hubbard married a third time and had another four children.

It's believed Hubbard studied the occult, hypnosis, and ritual magic. In 1948, he wrote to his literary agent that he was working on a book that would be a big time seller. Hubbard's masterpiece: DIANETICS: THE MODERN SCIENCE OF MENTAL HEALTH published in 1950.

Indeed, Hubbard was prophetic even before writing to his agent. In 1940 he declared, "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion" (Reader's Digest, 1980).

What is Dianetics? The book was a theraputic reference that scientifically and systematically attempts to get to the root cause of a fear, a psychological, emotional, or physical problem. Sounds harlmess enough, huh? Hubbard also believed physical disease was a manifestation of all this fear and depression. To him, sickness was largely psychosomatic.

To Hubbard, the root cause of our problems is our mind...namely our reactive mind holding on to engrams - vivid mental pictures and memories of trauma, pain, and anger. Utilizing a system of "auditing techniques," the person could discover these engrams and deal with them accordingly. Once you free the mind of these engrams and the pain they cause, you are better able to deal with life. (Pictured right is an auditing session using an E-meter, which is really just a crappy lie detector).
So let's say I'm drinking a can of Coke. While I'm chugging away, my brother sneaks up to me from behind and scares the crap out of me by screaming "Boo!" I'm so terrified, I choke on my soda, and I have bubbling Coke streaming out of my nose. This is a traumatic experience, and my mind has "recorded" this moment in every last detail. And so it's become a negative engram. Now, whenever I see a can of Coke, suddenly I feel very fearful and useasy. If I were to go through the series of auditing techniques, I would be able to again enjoy a can of Coke...free of my fearful engram.

Dianetics was a bestseller, despite scientists denouncing the book. Hubbard even set up Dianetics Foundations all over the country, trying to sell auditing aids and technologies. Eventually his foundations went bankrupt. Hubbard decided to use his "religion angle" to stay afloat. He expanded the practices of Dianetics into Scientology. Here is the origin of life on Earth according to Hubbard:

75 million years ago, there was an alien ruler named Xenu. He ruled over every planet in his galactic corner of the universe, including Earth - which was called Teegeeack at the time. All 76 planets under his rule were so over-populated, Xenu called in all the billions of citizen for a tax audit, but instead injected them with alcohol and and glycol to render them unconscious. Then he placed all the people onto these gigantic ships and sent them to Teegeeack (Earth) near volcanoes. Xenu then sent nuclear bombs into the volcanoes, killing everyone.

There, overpopulation problem solved!

But it doesn't end yet. The soul (Thetan) of each being lived on. Xenu used magnetic beams to caputre all the Thetans, and forced the Thetans to view brainwashing films. These films "implanted" all kinds of false ideas and phobias, making the Thetans afraid and pretty much useless. These implanted ideas included stuff about God, Christ, religion, heaven, and hell. There were a few bodies that survived all the explosions, so the Thetans inhabited the remaining bodies.

Yes, that's right...today we are all infested with fearful souls of murdered aliens. By utilizing the skills in Dianetics and Scientology, we are able to remove these Thetans and free our minds and bodies. But there is a catch...how much money you got in your bank account?

The systematic process is a well documented one. You have to go through a "Clearing" process first. This could take many many sessions, as well as many many dollars. Then you're ready for the "Operating Thetan" levels, or OT. There are different OT levels, going up to level VIII. What level is Tom Cruise at? Why, Maverick is an OT VII. How much has he spent getting there? Lots and lots.

So now you understand why the Church of Scientology goes after famous people - they have deep pockets. Here's just a miniscule sampling of famous Scientologists:

John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, Anne Archer, Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley, Juliette Lewis, Leah Rimini (from King of Queens), Beck, Chick Corea (jazz and music composer), Chaka Kahn, Brandy (R&B singer), and Courtney Love is not officially a member - she's just a groupie.

There are about 75,000 Scientologists worldwide - 53,000 of them here in the U.S. The Church of Scientology claims 8 million members, however. Also, out in New Mexico, Scientologists have created an underground vault, home to all of Hubbard's written works. At the site, there is a gigantic symbol carved into the desert ground that's even visible from space (pictured right). These markings are a guide for returning members that will return in flying saucers...back to Scientology after they reincarnate on other planets, thousands and millions of years from now.

Remember, the next time you are angry, depressed, or you hurt others, just blame it on those pesky Thetans that possess your body. Hey, not everyone has a big enough wallet to exorcise murdered alien souls. Damn these engrams!