It's the End of the World As We Know It...Again!

The Apocalypse is such a great selling gimmick. Remember all those movies that came out around the new Millenium such as Deep Impact, End of Days, and Armageddon. The Left Behind Series has been a worldwide best seller, describing the Second Coming of Christ and all that good stuff.

But many times in life, truth is stranger than fiction.

We have yet another doomsday cult proclaiming that the end of the world is near. VERY near, in fact. The House of Yahweh has sent a press release out to the media declaring nuclear war will begin on September 12, 2006.

Believers of The House of Yahweh, a Christian sect based out of Abeline, Texas, quote a specific passage in Holy Bible, Isaiah 24 v 1-6:

"Behold, Yahweh makes the earth empty, makes it waste, turns it upside down, and scatters its inhabitants. The earth will be utterly emptied and utterly laid waste; for Yahweh has spoken this word.
Therefore the curse has devoured the earth, and those who dwell therein are found guilty. Therefore the inhabitants of the earth are burned, and few men left."

Wow. Sounds scary.

According to Yisrayl Hawkins, the founder of The House of Yahweh, the unrest in the Middle East will become a full-blown nuclear war on September 12th of this year. Hawkins points to several other Biblical verses, particularly in the Book of Revelations, that makes it very clear how the world will end.

And of course the only people left standing will be members of The House of Yahweh.

So what else does The House of Yahweh believe in?

*Satan is a female that controls the world's governments and religions.
*Catholicism and Protestanism are evil faiths, symbolized by the two horns of the beast in Revelation 13-11.
*God and Jesus are two separate beings. The Holy Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) does not exist.
*The two witnesses mentioned in Revelation 11 are actually Jacob Hawkins (the original founder, but now deceased) and Yisrayl Hawkins (current faith leader and Jacob's brother).

Wow. Sounds evem MORE scary.

Yisrayl (at left) has had to recently "adjust" his earlier prediction, however. Originally, he said that 80% of the world's population would be wiped out by mid-2001 via The Tribulation. Rain was also not to fall for 1260 days. So much for that. I predict horseshit to fall upon The House of Yahweh.

Maybe they should change their cult's name to The House of Wrongweh.

So now, the "new" date for Armageddon is September 12...Twelve days folks. Are you ready? You can see a video of Yisrayl Hawkins discussing his prediction HERE.

For fun, here is just a small sampling of failed Doomsday predictions the last few years:

Ted Porter of The Five Doves predicted The Rapture would come at 6:13 PM (Jeruselum time) on April 23, 2004. Funny thing is, the dumbshit made this prediction 2 weeks prior to this date.

In 1998, Taoist prophet Ping Wu predicted a full-scale nuclear would happen in 2000, follwed by a rebirth in 2004. Ping has since taken a prediction-making hiatus. Maybe he's playing Ping Pong.

On May 15th, 2003, a Japanese cult called the Pana Wave claimed that some 10th planet would fly by Earth, creating massive worldwide earthquakes and other disasters. The members, all dressed in white, waited for the end to come. And after it didn't, altered their prediction to May 22nd, just a week later. And of course, that day came and went. I think the cult went on to form an NFL-Europe team, but I might be mistaken.

Marilyn Agee (pictured right), based out of California, is one of the most entertaining Doomsday prognosticators. The Rapture was supposed to begin on May 31, 1998. That didn't happen, and she tacked on another 7 days (the same as Noah's 'waiting period). And of course, nothing happened on June 6, 1998. This is when the hilarity ensues. Marilyn follows this all up with:

June 14, 1998...
then June 21, 1998....
followed by September 20, 1998...
then Pentacost of 1999, then the Greek Orthodox Penacost of May 30, 1999...
then there's the astronomical Pentacost on June 20, 1999...
and there's June 9th or 10th of 2000...
and the 10 day waiting period, making the end coming on June 20, 2000...
using funky calendar dates and fuzzy math, her new date is August 11, 2000...
pissed she can't get The Rapture right, Marilyn says The Second Coming will occur on April 5, 2011...
so that means The Tribulation will happen on May 20, 2007 through September 5, 2013 or May 28, 2009 through September 14, 2015. Does this woman even know what today's date is?...
back to The Rapture, she misses her prediction of May 23, 2004 and revises it with May 27, 2004...
OK, The Rapture will really happen on June 14, 2005...
No, wait...August 15, 2005 based on the harvest season of ancient Israel...
Damnit! She meant December 26, 2005...
Doh! She actually meant September 26, 2006.

Don't you think by now all of Marilyn Agee's followers have to be wondering just why in the hell they're still around? Just don't hold your breaths.

Kevin Trudeau, The Bad Profit

You've probably seen this guy on late night informercials - the kind that look like a legitimate news show, but really is just a money-making scheme designed to prey on the fear of millions ill people.

But really, Phoenix, how do you really feel about him?

Kevin Trudeau is a crook. He's a liar, he's a money-grubbing bastard. And if people are actually taking his Natural Cures advice, then he's a murderer.

Natural Cures, his self-published piece of shite, has sold over 5 million copies (although Mr. Trudeau has claimed he's sold more than 6 million). Why oh why? I don't get it. Are Americans really that desperate and stupid? It seems so, because his second book, More Natural Cures, is doing quite well. The guy has no qualms about lining his pockets with gold and the blood of the morons that actually believe his "medical and scientific" claims.

I had to read Natural Cures for myself. I didn't have the stomach to actually purchase it, but checked it out from the library. Shockingly, there was a pretty long waiting list for it. Here's just a few of the absurd claims he's made:

The FDA, pharmaceutical companies, food industry, and other non-profit agencies are working together in a mass conspiracy against the consumer.
OK, this is just all a bunch of hogwash. The Girls Scouts of America are plotting against the American consumer to sell more cookies? He's pissed that the FDA will only allow a drug to say it can cure a disease. Yeah, so what? It's to protect us from morons like you selling crappy coral supplements that are no better than a couple TUMS for $99.99. Jerk.

"If your body pH is alkaline, you can not get cancer. You can not get cancer, and if you have cancer, it goes away. That’s a cure."
This one just boggles my mind. Your body's pH is 7.4. You can't change that. If you do, you will die. There is NO such thing as an acid or alkaline body. You can alter the pH of your urine. That you can do, but not your body. Your stomach is super acidic, and all the food that leaves it is acidic. Mr. Trudeau, yo' mama is an alkaline bi-atch!

Bacteria and viruses don't cause disease, which is why you don't "catch" cancer or diabetes; disease is caused by an imbalance of vital energy.
Huh? Disease is caused by an "imbalance of vital energy?" Does that mean I will get sick if I underestimate the power of the Darkside of The Force? Bacteria and viruses don't cause disease. What the hell is this guy talking about? You can't catch cancer, huh? Ever heard of HPV? It's a virus that could cause cervical cancer. Ingrown butt hair.

Animals in the wild never get sick. All of our modern dieases are not in the natural world.
Ever heard of Avian Flu dipshit? How about Bubonic plague, which originated in rats. And AIDS, which started in monkeys? In my county, they spray for mosquitoes because of the West Nile virus that has been known to kill lots of birds. Mr. Trudeau, get your head out of your Natural ass.

"It’s getting worse and worse. Medical science has failed."
So we should turn to you? Let's see, the latest word is that lifespan has increased 30 years in just the last century. How many people do you know have polio? How about smallpox? Maybe the Naturalists that refuse to immunize their children will get these deadly and awful diseases. Let's see what happens if you have to go to the hospital for a heart attack or something, gonna take some vitamins? Douche bag.

Kevin Trudeau is a fraud. In 1990, he pretended to be a doctor in order to deposit $80,000 in bogus checks. A year later, he was charged with larceny for obtaining fake credit cards and was in jail for 2 years. In 1998, he had to pay a $500,000 fine when the FTC charged him for making false claims with his infomercials. In 2004, he was ordered to pay $2 million for false claims pertaining to his coral suppliments curing cancer and other diseases.

His book really does suck, as he just says the same stuff over and over again. More conspiracy theories, more FDA and FTC bashing, more pitches for the reader to go to his website for more information. A payment of $499 will give you lifetime access to more Trudeau bullshit on the internet. Tru-dat!

Mr. Trudeau preys on the fears and paranoia of the American public. It's easy to not trust the government and pharmaceutical companies, and Trudeau portrays himself as this "underdog" whitleblower. All he is, really, is a snake oil salesman. And an asshole.

If you follow his advice, your disease will simply get worse. If you do as Mr. Trudeau suggests, you'll end up more sick, suffering from the Hershey squirts, and probably have a lighter wallet.

Genetic Disorder Puts The "Oh" in "Odor"

In elementary school, we had a class bully named Lonnie. I was new to the school, and on the first day in my new classroom, I was told to stay away from him. It seems not only was Lonnie physcially imposing and had no problem letting everyone else know it, but the kid smelled bad. He smelled awful.

He smelled like nasty, rotting fish.

It was the one thing that could make the king of our 1st grade mole hill into just a gopher. Somebody would just have to say something like, "Lonnie, did you shower in dog poop?" or "You smell like a fart." I called him a "Fish Head." It was the one way to escape his wrath, as Lonnie the bully would be so embarassed and just walk away.

Lonnie isn't the only one who suffers from smelling like fresh ass 24/7. It seems people all over the world have been suffering from this terrible condition, called Trimethylaminuria or TMAU. It's a metabolic disorder, and people with this condition smell Gawd-awful no matter what they do.

Someone with TMAU lacks a certain enzyme that breaks down trimethylamine. The body therefore releases this chemical via skin pores, mouth, or bodily fluids. Trimethylamine also happens to smell strongy of rotting fish.

Camille, the subject of an ABC News story and online video, is a former model and beauty queen. She also smells like decomposing fishies. Unfortunately, her job also puts her in very close proximity to little kids. Camille is a teacher.

"They would say things like, 'Ew, this classroom stinks like dead fish.' They would call me 'Miss Fishy.' I didn't know why I was emitting such a strong odor. I mean, it can fill an entire room. Recently, it filled an auditorium."

I'm hot for teacher...NOT!

One of her first jobs was at a bank. Her terrible smell haunted her there as well. "My supervisor would come by and spray my area with perfume, Lysol, and they put me in the drive-through section, which is separate from the rest of the teller area," Camille said.

TMAU is extremelly rare, with only 600 documented cases in the world. The first official case was written about in the 1970s, but if you go through all of world literature, you'll find references to people smelling like rotten fish:

"What have we here? A man or a fish? Dead or alive? He smells like a fish; a very ancient and fish-like smell . . ." — William Shakespeare, "The Tempest."

Even an ancient Hindu tale describes a maiden who "grew to be comely and fair, but a fishy odor ever clung to her."

Damn that's gross. Something IS rotten in Denmark for sure.

There is no cure for TMAU currently. However, there are special diets patients can adopt to help minimize the severity of the fishiness. Chlorophyl tablets have been known to help those with the stank emanating from their mouths. Scientists hope to do more research and figure out a way to help those lacking that special enzyme that breaks down trimethylamine.

So Lonnie, wherever you are, I am so sorry for having teased you. I should've been a better person and understood your plight. Now I understand why you were such a bully. And for mashing my PB&J sandwich back in 1979, I hope you smell like an unwashed crusty anus for the rest of your life. Jerk.

Time for Spooky Stories

Do you have a supernatural and spooky personal experience?

Ever experience a Twilight Zone moment, see a ghost, hear the voice from beyond the grave, or have a premonition or dream that came true?

I believe all of us have these strange stories...and it's time to share!

You can e-mail your experiences to SPOOKY STORIES SUBMISSION

(If you prefer, I can keep you anonymous)



Here are just a few of the more popular Spooky Stories from last year:

The Lemp Mansion - One of the most haunted places in the world

The Haunted Closet - An experience submitted by a fellow blogger

Ghost Baby - Another story from a blogger. I have witnessed first-hand a very strange occurance at this old house. Freaky stuff.

The Mothman - This whole saga deserves a Part 2 this year. The story is just so big. I've been to this part of West Virginia where The Mothman sightings took place, and to the inhabitants - The Mothman is quite real.

I will be posting these Spooky Stories once a week or so leading up to Halloween.

Thanks so much, and I look forward to your spooky submissions.

Off The Air...Temporarily

Chinese Fight Club...It Packs A Punch!

I was told in grade school that if I was angry and frustrated, it was ok for me to beat up on a pillow. I had a great imagination, and taking out my fury on an inantimate object proved a great way to release it in a healthy way.

Apparently the Chinese lack such an imagination.

Wu Gong has opened a great new place called The Rising Sun Anger Release Bar.

Actually, it doesn't take much of an imagination to figure out what happens at this bar.

Patrons of the Nanjing, China bar can go have a drink, grab a smoke, talk to buddies, and beat the living shit out of bar workers. The 20 bar employees that have previously graduated from the Tina Turner School of Taking An Ass Whipping will dress up as your most hated enemy, and let you punch, kick, throw, spit on, and beat them....for a good tip. Customers get to take out their anger, the bar workers are well trained to take a beating, and Chinese society is spared the wrath of pissed off hookers, salesmen, and rice paddy farmers.

Wu Gong drew upon his experiences as a migrant worker. He believes with the evergrowing stress from industrialization, many Chinese workers need a place to relieve their everyday frustrations. Right now, the most popular patrons of Gong's bar are prostitutes and go-go dancers.

Go figure.

Nanjing residents are mixed with the idea of having such an institution in town. Many think it's a great idea. "Pressure in today's society comes from just about anywhere, from family or from work, from your boss or your girlfriend. We get no place to vent anger," said salesman Chen Liang.

Even experts agree with Mr. Liang. Zhang Yong, of Nanjing’s Xiaoran Psychological Consultation Centre said, "no matter how civilised people have evolved to be, some still find that violence is the best way to get rid of their burning rage."

White collar professionals are warming up to the concept as well. Jin Wong said, "My brother and I come here often and have two of the workers dress up as our wives. We then beat up our "wives" for the next hour. We get the anger out of our system, the workers get tipped very well, and our real wives are safe and sound."

Sounds like the Wong brothers are very happy customers.

But don't they know two Wongs don't make a wight?

I hear the bar's wontons are very derishous too. And if they're not, you can probably kick the bejeezus out of the cook while you're there.

RuPaul In the Henhouse

Who said chicken farmers don't have a sense of humor?

Christel Hammar-Malmgren's has named all the chickens in his henhouse after Henry VIII and his wives. Recently, however, there's been some high drama even the British monarch would blush at. It seems a hen, named Anne Bolyen, is giving the rooster a run for his money. Anne is a transsexual and has been stealing time away with the other "wives" from Henry VIII.

"Henry VIII is bloody angry. The other hens are mostly just surprised but they seem to increasingly accept him or her," Hammar-Malmgren said.

I find the fact that she named all her chickens after Henry VIII and his wives both amusing and ironic.

So what exactly happened?

"She had lost most of her hen feathers and had begun growing a comb and tail," the owner reported.

Anne Bolyen is even crowing like a rooster. Hammar-Malmgren noted that Anne was not a typical hen from the start. The hen didn't exhibit typical hen-like behaviors and even laid bad eggs.

You can bet Henry VIII is wanting Anne's head!

So how could this have happened? A simple explanation could be that Anne was simply born this way. She was a rooster in a hen's body from birth. Another possible cause might be an exposure to hormones either in the water or the feed.

What's funny is that the real-life Anne Bolyen was rumored to have a sixth finger and was put to death for adultry, incest, and practicing witchcraft.

Cock-a-doodle-TOO?

The Phoenix - A Year In Review

It's hard to believe I've been doing this for a year now. When I started, I was working for a company that did research scientific research for large corporations. I had always been interested in science, and writing about the humorous side of it has been a lot of fun. That job ended, but the blog continues...151 posts later. What this blog has brought me has far exceeded my wildest expectations.

I want to thank all of you for coming by - some of you are new here and many others are regulars that have been reading my little blog since the very beginning. It's been a great year, and I hope to keeping entertaining you as long as I possibly can. You all have been a witty, funny, and inspiration audience. You make it worthwhile.

Looking back, I've dug up a few of the posts that stand out to me for one reason or another, and I do hope that you'll take the time to maybe take a quick stroll back in time with me...

"When You Gotta Go On The Go." This is post el numero uno. Not my best work, but you have to start somewhere. I'd like to tell everyone that I have matured in my old age and that my intellect has likewise, but I will always find going poop or pee to be damn funny. Poop or pee in a car is even funnier.

"The REAL Exorcism." I did a spooky stories series from September into October. I am going to do it again this year, actually. I still get maybe 10 hits a day from various search engines on this post I did on the actual exorcism that the film is based on. Don't read this post alone in the dark!

"Thank You For Not Breeding!" I aim to entertain, but I also love to help my readers learn something new. With this post, I wrote about VEHMT - a group that advocated the extinction of the human race. The founder of this organization, Les Knight, actually found this post - read it - and then commented on it, going one-by-one and giving his rebuttal for every comment I got! Amazing.

"The Abduction of Bob" Writing is a creative process, and it's an art. I wanted to stretch my writing, be a little more creative. I think I was burned out with this blog, and I needed a change. So I decided to do a three part series on the alien abduction of Bob. It was so much fun to write, and it got a lot of attention. This post was featured in a local newspaper here in St. Louis. It's also appeared in a couple forums, like this one here. Enjoy, and stay away from strange lights in the sky.

Finally...

"Hallelujah It's Raining Blubber!" OK, along with low brow poop and pee humor, I also love seeing stuff blow up. This post includes video footage of an actual crew using dynamite to blow up a dead whale. Needlesstosay, you can tell by my title what happens. When you watch the video, make sure to turn up the audio...I laugh to the point of tears when I hear that woman exclaim, "Here come pieces of...my God!" To the onlookers of this feat of engineering baffoonery, Armageddon begins with a boom and ends with a blubbery splat.

Here's to another year of scientific discovery, fun, and humor.

Cheers.

The Phoenix

Is Chivalry Dead?

I answer this question from the male's perspective over at Beauty versus The Beast. So go check it out.

If you enjoy truth, some hyporbole, mixed in with some sexism and some very un-PC comments, then this blog is definitely for you! Also, you might get called on to be a guest someday, so it's a very interactive site as well.

Beauty vs The Beast - where the battle of the sexes rages on...


P.S. On August 3rd, The Phoenix will turn ONE year old. Be on the lookout for a special post tomorrow.