Mummy Dearest

Sometimes, the thing we're looking for is right under our noses...

Vladimir Ledenev was 68 years old when he disappeared from the face of the earth back in the beginning of 2000. He was a broken man. His pension was miniscule, he had spent four years in a Russian jail for battery, and he turned to drinking after his mother died a decade prior. He also suffered from tuberculousis.

Vladimir's son searched for him. His nephews did as well. Neighbors were concerned. And Mr. Ledenev's debtors were quite eager to find him. Six years went by, and they couldn't find him.

Why oh why didn't they look in his apartment?

The housing management of the apartment building grew weary of the large debt of rent money Vladimir owed, so they finally broke down his door. And sitting in a chair, with his head on his arm, was the mummified body of Vladimir Ledenev.

The man had been dead for more than six years.

You can imagine that when they opened the door, the foul stench nearly knocked them out. They were horrified to find Vladimir still sporting a plaid shirt, sitting at the kitchen table with an empty vodka bottle. The newspapers near his mummified body were all dated 2000.

So how the hell? Six years ago, wouldn't the amazingly putrid smell from his decomposing dead body be a pretty big clue as to Vladimir's whereabouts?

"We didn’t smell anything," a neighbor confided. "Maybe there was no smell because he died in winter; the temperatures were very low at the time. Besides, the guy was very thin, he looked like a mummy while still alive."

Now the question is, who's going to clean that shit up?

Call me Inspector Gadget

The 2007 International CES (Consumer Electronics Show) in Las Vegas ended January 11th, showcasing the worlds' most incredible technologies and products that ordinary people like you and me will be able to buy very soon. This is every gadgeteer's dream come true. The neatest "toys" surrounded by music, hot babes, and geeks.

I've selected some of the coolest and zanniest stuff from the CES show for 2007. These are things that I either find extremely useless, unique, or a necessity I just might have to purchase when I win the lottery.

iPod By The Poo Poo
You knew this was coming. When you're on the throne, regretting that giant chimmichunga you had the night before, don't you wish you could listen to your favorite music? I know I would. That's why Atech created the Stereo Dock for iPod with Bath Tissue Holder. With a retail price between $79 - $103, you can afford to listen to Squeeze while you squeeze.

Hunk Of Burning (Robot) Love
The 2007 CES is held in Sin City, so what is Vegas without something Elvis? The WowWee company first brought us Robosapien, then Roboraptor, and now...WowWee Alive Elvis! This robot bust of the King of Rock n' Roll can play 8 of his songs, talk about his life, and even has a karaoke mode. Watch video of this amazing robot HERE. Maybe the second generation RoboElvis can deep fry up some peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Maybe then, it'll be worth its $350 price tag.

Mary Poppins Got Pimped-Up.
The company that brought us the Ambient Orb now brings us the Ambient Umbrella. But this is no ordinary umbrella. The handle contains a wireless data-radio chip. The chip is linked directly to accweather.com, and when the forecast calls for rain in your area, the handle begins to glow - signaling for you to open your umbrella. This is so much easier than looking up into the sky.

Who Needs Privacy?
What exactly happens when you're not home? Is the nanny beating your children? What is Junior really doing when he's in the bathroom for an hour? To answer these questions, get Spyke, the spy robot by Erector. Yes - the same company that makes all those metal building toys now brings a robot with wi-fi capabilities with a camera for a head. You can control Spyke from any computer with internet access. How cool! I think for $250, Spyke would also make a wonderful gadget to torture your dog or cat with while you're at work.

Who Needs Hearing?
By MTX Audio, how about a subwoofer that can make your ears bleed? This 22 inch subwoofer weighs 369 pounds! The JackHammer's magnetizer is so damn powerful, it'll wipe your credit card clean if you get within a few feet of it. For $7,500, you can kill all your brain cells while you listen to Vanilla Ice.

My Own R2D2
OK, I am a big Star Wars fan. I would love to own this $2000 R2D2 DVD player/projector by Nikko. You just slip a DVD into the famous mech droid, and it'll project the movie up onto a wall. R2D2 can also be hooked up to your ipod for a full media experience. Many geeks are going to line up for this product, as they can't wait to play it in their parents' basements.

The 2006 Darwin Awards

Last year, I wrote about The Darwin Awards here. To those unfamiliar with this infamous notoriety, The Darwin Awards honors those individuals that inadvertently strengthen our gene pool by volunteering to remove themselves from it. In other words, these morons somehow got themselves killed in the most ridculous and stupid ways.

Only the strong survive, but the weak provide the most entertainment with the many creative ways they dispose of their DNA for the betterment of all mankind.

Here are the 2006 Darwin Award winners:

Darwin Award Second Runner-Up
In August, a Brazilian metal scrap woker tried to disassemble a Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) by driving back and forth over it with a car. That didn't work so well. What to do? Oh, why not try the RPG with a sledgehammer?

Brilliant!

On his second swing, the grenade detonated. The explosion killed the bafoon, destroyed six cars, and wiped out the repair shop. The good news is, he at least created lots and lots of scrap metal. Oh, and the nimrod is no longer able to reproduce and create more idiotic offspring.

Darwin Award First Runner-UP
26 year old Kennon, of Belize, was doing his own version of Mythbusters in March. Could Benjamin Franklin's flying a kite with a metal key really draw lightning from the sky? Here's a good idea, let's try it. Wanting to achieve a dramatic effect, Kennon made a kite with a short string that he had extended with a length of thin copper wire.

That should do it!

As Kennon was running with the kite, the copper wire made contact with a high-tension line, sending a bolt of electrical lightning through Kennon, killing him. The irony? Kennon's father said that his son was an electrician, and "should have known better."

He should have, but alas, he didn't. Besides, would you trust that dipshit to work on YOUR home's wiring?

Darwin Award Winner
This one's a double-whammy. Two 21 year old college students from Florida, Jason and Sara, decided to have a little fun with helium. Sounds harmless, right? But an ordinary helium-filled balloon wasn't good enough for them. They had their sights set on the giant eight foot advertising balloon at their local strip mall.

They pulled down the giant balloon and climbed inside. No doubt, they were probably having a great time with their helium-induced voices. However, what they didn't know was that life needs oxygen to live. The helium probably made them feel high, then light-headed, and finally made them pass out.

The feet of Jason and Sara were found protruding from the deflated advertising balloon. You see how important oxygen is?

A family member said "Sara was mischievous, to be honest. She liked fun and it cost her."

Gee...you think?

As the helium made Jason and Sara sound like chipmunks, I wonder if their dying words were, "We represent...the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild...hehehehehehe..."

Thank you Darwin Award winners - the human race applauds your sacrifice.

The Mighty Duck

First, I brought to you Mike - The Headless Chicken. That was an incredible story of survival, as Mike lived for 18 months after having his head chopped off.

There's a new miracle bird in town.

Last week, a dark brown duck was shot twice. The hunter then put the bird into his refrigerator, with plans of cleaning it and cooking it at a later date. The hunter's wife opened the refrigerator two days later, and the duck moved its head to look up at her.

The duck was alive.

You think it quacked, "Aflack!?"

After the hunter's wife picked herself up from the floor and probably changed her soiled panties, she ordered her daughter to take the duck to the animal hosptial right away. The young lady took the duck to the Killearn Animal Hospital near Tallahassee, Florida.

David Hale, a vet, gave the duck a 75% chance of survival, but she probably would not make it in the wild. "This shows how tough and adaptable wildlife are," Hale said. "This is an extremely tough duck with a lot of spirit to live."

You know, I can think of another "lame duck" that has a knack for cheating death...

Why does Vice-President Cheney always look constipated?

Why Is Stuff Blowing Up?

Survival can be difficult on this planet. There's diseases, famine, war, and accidents. Recently, however, you can add one more way to get killed...stuff exploding. I'm not talking about IEDs or landmines either. Seemingly innocent activities are leading to people getting blown up.


The Dell, the Dell, the Dell is on Fiya...

Last Fall, Dell recalled over 4 million laptops because the Sony battery inside of them would just suddenly catch fire and explode. It happened right in the middle of some conference in Japan. Most recently, there's been a massive class action suit filed against Dell in Canada. They say that Dell continued to sell defective Inspirion laptops well after the company knew motherboards sucked donkey balls. Now, you know it's bad when you piss off a bunch of Canadians.

Can You Sear Me Now?

On January 6th, a California man suffered third degree burns when the Nokia cell phone in his pants pocket spontaneously caught fire while he was asleep. 59 year old Luis Picaso suffered burns on over half his body, and the chair he was resting in actually melted. Nokia engineers found that the charred phone still worked, which proves it couldn't have been the phone that sparked the blaze, which also caused $75,000 in damage to the apartment building. They say maybe Mr. Picaso had a cigarette fall into his pocket. Um, yeah right...they should just say that Mr. Picaso's pants caught fire after telling a lie.

Not So Smoothie

A British Smoothie manufacturer has recalled 100,000 bottles of its banana and strawberry flavored smoothie. They said that the contents have fermented, causing the bottles to blow up. Roger Sutton, a store keeper, said, "I heard an almighty bang from the fridge. It sounded like a gun going off. You could see the lid bulging with the pressure. When my assistant opened it, the liquid flew out with tremendous force – the spray went absolutely everywhere. It even reached the ceiling." The irony: The Smoothie company's manufacturer is Innocent Drinks.

Gardening Can Kill

The green thumb can lead to death. Who knew?

Alex Richards of Britain went fishing, and found a plant pot. So he brought it home and put it in his garden. What he didn't know was that the pot was actually a grenade. His mother saw it and called police. Luckily, no one was hurt, and Mrs. Richards discovered she has yet one more reason to keep calling her son a "dumbshit."

The bane of every gardener's existence is the pesky mole. So a 63 year-old German guy decided to rid his garden of moles once and for all. His plan involved a 380 volt cable, some metal spikes, and a deathwish. The man blew himself up, and the moles survived.

Hyperhydration - Death By Water For a Wii

28 year old Jennifer Strange was a mother of 3, from Rancho Cordova, California. What she wanted was a Nintendo Wii for her kids, and a local radio station - 107.9 The End - had a contest giving one away. The Morning Rave Show with Trish, Lukas, and Maney had a very unique sort of contest: have participants drink a ton of water and try to hold their pee. "Hold your wee for a Wii" sounded clever enough.

However, this contest would kill Jennifer Strange.

So last Friday, after signing a liability waiver form which consistented of pubicity jargon, 18 contestants were given 8 ounce bottles of water to drink every 15 minutes. They'd all yell "Wii!" and guzzle the water bottles. All the while, the radio DJs would spray the window with a hose or turn on a faucet in order to tempt contestants to go pee. One by one, the competitors dropped out.

James Ybarra had to quit. "They told us if you don't feel like you can do this, don't put your health in risk."

However, a nurse did go on the air to warn the DJs that drinking too much water was dangerous. One of the DJs didn't take her warning seriously and reminded the listeners that the contestants had signed some waiver.

Mr. Ybarra said he had drank 5 of those 8 oz bottles of water when the DJs then gave them larger bottles of water. He quit right there and then. "My bladder couldn't handle it anymore."

Jennifer Strange kept going, and eventually won second place. She was on her way to Radiological Associates where she works, but couldn't make it. Jennifer called Laura Rios, a co-woker en route. "She said to one of our supervisors that she was on her way home and her head was hurting her real bad." Jennifer complained of severe nausea as well.

After co-workers unsuccessfully tried to contact Jennifer at home, they called her mother. When she arrived, she found Jennifer dead in her home.

How did this tragedy happen?

It's called hyperhydration, or water intoxication. It's a rare occurance, as most of us are probably dehydrated actually. The act of consuming too much water in one sitting can kill you. Drinking all that water in a short amount of time throws your whole electrolyte balance out of whack. And when that happens, there can be fatal consequences.

With the overdilution of sodium in your blood, the cells work to balance everything out, creating an osmotic shift in the process. In other words, with all that water accumulating on the outside of the cell wall - sodium is drawn out of the cell to restore the electrolyte balance. Since the water outside contains less electrolytes than what's inside the cell, the water is drawn into the cell through osmosis. The cell keeps sucking up water until it bursts.

The cell membranes then begin to literally burst, unable to take the tremendous osmotic pressure. A person will experience light-headedness, nausea, vomiting, massive headaches. Severe low levels of sodium in the blood can also lead to seizures and death.

How much is too much?

Normally, an average sized guy can consume about 3 liters of water at the absolute maximum in one sitting. For those metrically challenged, that's more than three-fourths of a gallon of water (1 gallon = ~3.8 liters). Other factors can alter this limit.

One of the contestants, James Ybarra, said he consumed 40 ounces of water before quitting. That's one-third of a gallon of water, or about 1.26 liters. That would make sense that he would quit at that point, since he was trying to hold off going to the bathroom.

Judging from what her fellow contestants reported, Jennifer Strange drank well over half a gallon. Being a woman, she's much more succeptible to water intoxication. Her body weight is less, as is the sodium concentration in her blood.

A human with lower sodium content in her blood could die after just 1.8 liters of water consumed in one sitting (or .48 gallons). Jennifer kept going after that initial half gallon of water, which ultimately led to her death.

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So who is to blame? The DJs on the Morning Rave morning show? 107.9 The End radio station, which is owned by Entercom Corporation? Or is Jennifer Strange responsible for her own death?

*By the way, if you want to send Trish, the female DJ on The Rave - a message via her My Space page, click HERE. You can also e-mail her HERE.

*If you want to e-mail Lukas, the DJ from the show with the birdnest hairdo, do that HERE.

*And finally, Manny - the morning show DJ with the stupid ass grin on his face can be e-mailed right about...HERE.

And that ends my public service announcement...

Do You Believe In Miracles? How About a Double Miracle?

13 year-old Ben Ownby, missing since this Monday, has been found Alive!

It's a miracle...but just one of two miracles to happen on this dreary, rainy late afternoon in St. Louis.

Along with Ben, Shawn Hornbeck, missing since October of 2002 was found in the same apartment alive and well.

Now do you believe in miracles?

(Famous psychics Sylvia Browne and James Van Praagh were absoultely wrong about Shawn Hornbeck, as they assured his family that he was dead. More about that below).

Ben Ownby was seen walking home from his bus stop on January 8th when a white Nissan truck drove up next to him and abducted him a mere 500 feet from his home. The abduction activated the Amber Alert system, and hundreds of people searched and scoured all of Franklin County looking for him.

Federal agents descended on the town of Union, Missouri in an effort to find Ben as quickly as possible. Vigils were held at Union Middle School, where Ben was known to be a model student, and his friends and fellow students prayed for his safe return.

Two Kirkwood police officers went to an apartment complex in Kirkwood, Missouri (a St. Louis suburb) Thursday evening to serve a warrant, and neighbor Geoff Hadler, who had noticed a white Nissan pick-up truck in the apartment complex, pointed out the vehicle to the cops. Police followed up late this afternoon, where authorities found Ben Ownby inside of the apartment of Michael J. Devlin - a man with only traffic violations on his record.

Inside, police found a 15 year-old boy who identified himself as Shawn Hornbeck of Richwoods, Missouri of Washington County....missing since October of 2002. Shawn was only 11 years old at the time, and was last seen riding his bike towards a friend's house. He never made it there.

Shawn's abduction made national news when his story was featured on America's Most Wanted. His family also taped episodes on the Montell William's Show when Syliva Browne was on, and they also were on a segment for the TV show "Beyond" with another well-known psychic, James Van Praagh. Both "acclaimed" psychics said Shawn was dead. No doubt about it.

Yeah right, you b-yotches. Fuck you both. Goddamn charlatans.

In the first "Beyond" show, Van Praagh, whm also claims he talks to the dead, said he was getting the impression Shawn was in a rural area along I-55 where there are three silos. When the Akers Family returned, authorities searched along I-55 in Missouri and Illinois, but didn't find a thing.

Van Praagh then came to Missouri to film the second segment for his show. This time, he said he believed Shawn's body was in a railroad freight car or near some sort of railroad car facility. Then Van Praagh said he believed a guy that worked at this railcar facility was involved in Shawn's disappearance. (By the way, Michael Devlin worked at Imo's Pizza).

Authorities took that information and matched it to a railroad yard at De Soto, Missouri - only about 10 miles from Richwoods - where the old Missouri Pacific Railroad shops were located.

They found nothing.

Craig Akers, Shawn's father said, "We have put in many miles and hours since then with nothing to back up any of the information provided."

On the Montell Williams show, hoarse-voiced Sylvia Browne said that Shawn was "not with us" anymore and said his body was 20 miles Southwest of Richwoods, Missouri. Her visions indicated that Shawn was abuducted by a "dark-skinned man, he wasn't black, more like Hispanic." Sylvia Browne said the abductor had long, black hair that he wore in dreadlocks and was "really tall."

That's the only hit Sylvia Browne had - that he was tall. Michael Devlin is very very white with short brown hair (pictured right).

Despite all of these famous and very wealthy psychics using their mighty powers to do nothing but put the family through wild goose chases and also lead them to believe that their son was dead, it took good police work to bring Shawn home.

It's been 5 Christmases the Akers Family has had to endure without their beloved Shawn. They even started the Shawn Hornbeck Foundation, promoting children safety. They helped hundreds of kids get digitally fingerprinted and photographed among many other things to promote child safety. Craig Akers quit his job as a software developer in order to work for the foundation. They depleted their entire life savings, and he and his wife had to return to work to pay the bills. All of this week, they of course lent the Ownby Family their support during their son's ordeal.

I can't even begin to imagine the joy and elation Pam and Craig Akers are feeling now...their 11 year-old boy is now 15, and I'm sure time has stood still for them during this whole ordeal. But now it's over.

Now, Ben Ownby and Shawn Hornbeck are safe.

Believe in miracles, my friends.

2007...The Year of the (Dead) Bird

It looks like this is definitely not the time to be a bird. There have been so many myserious deaths of thousands of birds - from all over the world. Just what the hell is going on?

Boise and Vietnam: It Sucks to be a Duck
From the middle to the end of December, thousands of mallard ducks were dying near a creek in southeastern Idaho. Even the Department of Homeland Security has gotten involved in trying to figure out the reason for all the ducks' deaths.

In Vietnam, several hundred ducks were found dead, and the Avian Flu is strongly suspected to be the cause. This is pretty scary, as the tactics and strategies the Vietnam government took in fighting the Avian Flu last year were given such high praise by world scientists and governments. 40,000 birds have been killed by workers in an effort to stop the spread of this deadly virus. I guess they'll have to return their We Stopped the Avian Flu By Slaughtering As Many Birds As Possible award.

Downtown Austin, Texas: Shutting Down Downtown
63 birds dropped dead in Austin's downtown area, and public officials shut down 10 blocks for several hours. Grackles, sparrows, and pigeons were found dead. Some are suspecting an intentional poisoning, but authorities assure the public there is no threat to humans. Just ignore the workers in hazmat suits walking through the city.

Esperance, Austailia: Death Down Under
More than 5000 birds have mysteriously died in the last three weeks, and the Avian Flu is not thought to be the cause. Scientists have ruled out any infection diseases, but the actual cause is still a mystery. The reports of residents finding dead birds in their yards has ceased...but only because there aren't any birds left.

Dutch Coast: Weird Yellow Stuff Found
Dozens of seabirds were found dead on the beaches of the popular resort island of Texel. They also found patches of this strange yellow goop near the birds, and scientists are now trying to figure out what this crap is. By the way, the conservation group investigating is called Stichting Nordzee. Doesn't that sound like some 80s New Wave German band?

Scientists understand that whenever you find a bunch of dead anything - whether it's a bird or frog, for example - it's an environmental red flag. Is it some sort of virus? Or maybe pollutant? Some even blame an oncoming Polar Shift. Regardless, there is one "bird killer" that kills more than one billion birds in the United States. One mass murderer of birds stands alone:

Glass Windows

Never Wash Your Underpants Again

I've always believed that nanotechnology was going to revolutionize the world, particularly in the areas of medicine, industrial technology, and engineering. However, after spending $20 billion on a special project, the US military has finally done it:

Creating underwear you can go weeks without washing.

Sounds weird, but creating a special fabric that repels water, dirt, and bacteria has life-saving potential. "During Desert Storm, most casualties were from bacterial infections—not accidents or friendly fire," said Jeff Owens, one of the scientists that developed this special fabric. "We treated underwear for soldiers who tested them for several weeks and found they remained hygienic. They also helped clear up some skin complaints."

How does it work?

The fabric is specially treated with nanoparticles by means of microwaves. These microscopic particles are treated with chemicals that repel dirt, stains, and even microbial bacteria. The result is a new fabric that will stay clean, even from a microscopic standpoint, indefinitely.

Apart from the military applications, this technology's next step is to hit the consumer market. How many people would line up to buy underwear you never need to wash? If it repels bacteria, it repels the funk. But if it repels dirt, oil, and fluids, will it still repel dingleberries? I mean, with this special underwear, will some people never wipe their asses after pooping?

And where does all the dirt and nastiness go? Does it just float in speace between you ass crack? Or does it eventually make it's way down your pants leg?

Regardless, I can see several segments of our population that could use this amazing underwear: homeless people and hardcore gamers.

At Least The FAA Isn't Saying It's A Weather Balloon

You've probably heard on the news...United Airlines crew members reported seeing a UFO over O'Hare aiport in Chicago in November. This story broke right on New Year's Day. In other words, it took a whole two months after the initial sighting for it to make it to the media outlets.

Hmmmm...

Reading the reports, here's a summary of what several United crew members (including some pilots) saw: On November 7, 2006, at 4:30 PM, a mechanic taxiing a Boeing 777 saw a disc shaped object in the sky. Others soon spotted the same object. The UFO was dark grey and very defined against the clouds. Some said it looked like a rotating frisbee, while others didn't think it was spinning. It had no lights. It hovered above the airport until bolting at tremendous speed through the overcast sky, even leaving a strange hole in the clouds in its wake.

"It was like somebody punched a hole in the sky," said one United employee.

John Hilkevitch first broke the story, calling the FAA to verify. The FAA denied any sort of report coming from O'Hare aiport or from any United employee. After Hilkevitch did some fantastic reporting and got the Chicago Tribune to file a Freedom of Information Act request, the FAA finally admitted there was some report filed, but they were not investigating it.

FAA spokeswoman Elizabeth Isham Cory said that the sighting was probably caused by a "weather phenomon"(like one pictured left). End of story.

I'm surprised she didn't say it was perhaps Pat Robertson's angels of death decending on the city, readying to make his prediction of a mass murder coming true.

United Airlines denies any sort of report being filed by crew members or employees, however. A United spokeswoman said there is no record of the UFO report and that United officials don't recall any discussion of this sighting. "There's nothing in the duty manager log, which is used to report unusual incidents," said United spokeswoman Megan McCarthy. "I checked around. There's no record of anything."

Really? Hmmm...

Speaking anonymously, the United witnesses said they were interviewed by United management and even told to draw pictures of what they saw. They were also told not to discuss the matter with anyone.

I did some digging of my own, and went to the National UFO Reporting Center's database. The NUFOC is an organization that has established a nationwide hotline for anyone to report a UFO. I actually found a revised eyewitness report from a United manager employee (revised to protect his identity). Here are just a few exerpts from his report:

"I ran out of my office and saw a relatively small object hovering in place over C17. The METAR was reporting OVC 1900 and I initially estimated the object hovering at about 1000 feet. After about a minute, I saw the aircraft zip to the east and disappeared."

"[A crewmember] then made the radio call and notified the pilots at that gate who opened the front windows and witnessed the object for themselves. The employee stated the object was 500-1000 feet above the ground, rotating, and metallic in nature with no lights. He said it looked like a frisbe and was directly above."

"All employees are very familiar with aircraft around the world's busiest airport - this was nothing we are familiar with. As a side note as it is probably unrelated, the next aircraft into that gate was experiencing electrical problems."

With United Airlines and the FAA denying everything and not taking the sighting seriously, many employees are angry and frustrated. They said that such an object might interfere with radar equipment, airplane functions, or even create a collision hazard.

One witness was emotionally overwhelmed from witnessing the craft and had "experienced some religious issues" over it, one fellow worker reported.

UFOs flying over the airport could potentially be very dangerous, and I can't figure out why our government isn't investigating. At the very least, do we need yet ONE MORE reason for delays at O'Hare?

In related news, O'Hare rival, Midway Airport, crew members have reported sightings of Sasquatch running from Concourse A, through the food court, into Concourse C, often times grabbing a hot dog from Gold Coast Dogs, stealing office supplies, or dry humping a wall along the way.

I Like My Steak Well-Cloned, Thank You

Just before the new year, the FDA completed a 678-page report stating that meat and milk from cloned livestock is quite safe and is no different from the stuff we're eating now. In fact, it's so safe, they suggest that labelling any cloned products is not necessary.

This study has taken four years to complete, and there's been a voluntary moratorium on the sale of any meat or milk from cloned animals since 2003.

So how does this cloning process work? They remove some DNA from a very healthy and prized animal, inject it into a "hallowed-out" egg (lacking DNA), zap the egg to get the whole cell-dividing process started, and then implant it into a surrogate mommy cow. Sounds easy, right? The problem is, less than 5% of all eggs make it to actual birth. Really, you don't want that other 95% to actually make it to birth anyway, unless you like five-legged cows.

In a recent poll, more than 60% of Americans would not buy cloned beef, or milk from cloned cows. Why? The biggest reason is uncertainty. The second biggest reason is probably the creepyness factor. Doesn't it sound weird to say you're eating cloned food?

Of course the meat you're eating now probably has a bunch of hormones and stuff in it already. But we Americans love our milk and meat. Maybe you've noticed 10 year-old girls with Double D cups or 11 year-old boys with beards, but hey - we love our steakburger with a side order of hormonal-milkshake.

So the FDA is recommending that labelling these cloned products is unnecessary. They don't want the public to freak-out by seeing some label with the word "cloned" on their meat or milk jug. They want to emphasize how cloned animal stuff is indistinguishable from regular animal stuff.

The reality is, you're probably not going to find actual cloned meat on store shelves. Farmers will use the cloning process as a 21st century, high-tech husbandry method of creating superior studs. These super-bulls' offspring is what you might find in your meat section of the grocery store soon.

Personally, I would really like to know if the meat I'm buying is from a cloned Daddy. That's just me. Hey, you can market it to make it more appealing. Like "Angus Beef" or whatever. Certified-Cloned Beef. It has a nice ring to it. Or maybe they can genetically modify this cloned beef to ooze A-1 Steaksauce....mmmmm.

Apart from the whole long-term affects of human consumption of cloned animal products, my other fear is letting farmers play Dr. Frankenstein. I don't mean any disrepsect to farmers, in fact my father was a born farmer. Unless you've got a farmer that has a degree in genetics or something, do you really want to trust a farmer to mess with genetics with your food supply?

There's a huge difference between scientific genetic engineering and shoving a gloved hand into a cow's butt to make babies.

Despite these fears, the FDA did study this for four years. They studied cloned animals even at the cellular level, and I'm sure they did their homework. Sure, we could be suspicous of the timing of the release of this report - wedged between Christmas and New Year's. Yeah, the networks have been busy covering President Ford's death. Nevertheless, we should trust this government agency, as they have only our health and safety in mind. Right?

Spinach anyone?